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New Year's Resolutions for People with Eating Disorders
New Year's Resolutions for People with Eating Disorders
Those blasted New Year’s resolutions… They can be so triggering. As the year begins, we are overwhelmed by messages and talk around weight loss, diets, stricter exercise regime - aka, everyone wants to get thin. And for those of us who are already struggling with body image and have anxieties around food, this time of year can be challenging and uneasy.
It is so very easy to get swept up in the hype of it all and to start believing that this way of thinking is ok and natural. The unhappiness and disgust around our bodies has become so normalised that our body shame is no longer questioned. It is hidden and accepted. And this is not ok.
If you are struggling with an eating disorder or exercise addiction, I encourage you to come up with new resolutions that are not only sustainable in the long-term but are also focused on internal growth rather than on appearances. If you are a parent or friend of someone who battles with food in some way, I implore you to be mindful of the messages you put out.
Of course some resolutions may have to be focused on the external due to health concerns, however the vast majority stem from a desire to achieve a a physique that society finds attractive and accepts. Side note - That desire to achieve “the body” is never achieved as there will always be some form of dissatisfaction and distortion of how one’s body looks.
Think beyond the physical. Consider a resolution that has nothing to do with appearance. Think of who you want to be rather than what you want to look like. Move beyond the physical and consider how you want to grow emotionally, spiritually, creatively, in relationship and in certain skills.
Healthy eating and exercise can be unhealthy. You may start out with good intentions, but it can be a slippery slope into the danger zone of unhealthy exercising and “clean” eating. If you start compulsively thinking about food, obsessively worry about eating out, or feel guilty for missing a workout, it could mean your resolutions have taken a sour turn.
Practice loving-kindness. When we are able to give ourselves moments of self-love, compassion and gratitude, we don’t have to end up making new year’s resolutions because we then automatically live a life that holds us.
In addition to the above, keep on creating body and eating-friendly resolutions. Simple ideas include:
Giving yourself a hug
Write down one thing you like about yourself (I may try this everyday for the next 365 days in 2019! Who is with me?)
Mindful eating without a phone or screen nearby
Eating with a friend or family member who helps you feel more comfortable and at ease, while at the same time keeping you accountable to your meals
Keeping a meal plan if it helps you feel safe
Hiding mirrors or scales if they have become addictive
Seeing a therapist or coach regularly who has an understanding of this topic
Consulting with a dietitian regularly
Attending group therapy sessions - connecting with people who are battling similar things can be helpful in knowing you’re not alone
Giving thanks for your food before eating it
I wish you all a healthy, safe, joyful end to your year and a glorious, exciting and love-filled start to 2019!
All my love,
Francesca xx
Photo by Clarence E. Hsu on Unsplash
I Am Sorry, Belly
When it’s empty and starved, it can fill us pride. When it’s full and round, it can feel like the world is ending. It can cause to not want to wear certain clothing; bring tears to fall from our eyes; prevent us from not wanting to be touched or intimate; force us to unfairly judge and compare ourselves to others; and compel us to punish our bodies by overexercising or undereating. Anyone who struggle with an eating disorder, understands and can relate to the complex relationship to our stomaches.
While I was at a silent retreat, walking amongst tall, thin trees, I heard some murmurs coming from my belly. Wisdom that needed to heard. Words that needed to be written and shared. This poem is the result of that deep listening and honouring the whatever truths came out. This poem hasn’t been edited - it is what it is. There is no real solution or “light at the end of the tunnel”, but these are important words to bring to light; and an important step in my recovery: to be truthful of where I am at right now.
I trust that those who this poem reaches, finds solace and comfort in the understanding that the unfolding of a deeper, more positive body image takes time, love and attention. We’re all on the journey together.
I am sorry, belly
This belly that has felt so much of the wrong thing and felt so little of right thing,
Of which my entire universe can revolve around its roundness, crushing me - or around it’s hollowness, inflating me to a conceited sense of greatness.
It is unfair to place such pressure on such a soft, delicate space to dictate my worthiness and yet I pounce and strip and empty her of her inherent goodwill.
Her inherent will to survive - for me to survive. Her inherent goodness to keep my fire, my passions, my desires burning.
This belly that grew from mother’s and my grandmother’s and from my great great great great grandmother’s and from all the women who exist and have existed. It is such an honour to stem from such a lineage.
What reverence then can I give my belly?
What must I do? What must I do?
All I have to do is listen.
Listen to her cries, her moans, screams, laughter, whispers.
For she holds the intuition. Without her i could make the wrong decision. With her, I am able to make the right decision.
Despite these words, I struggle to trust. I struggle to accept I will be ok. I struggle to have faith in that if I let go of clinging to her that she will look after me.
How do I meet her at the edge and soften?
I hope to one day to trust my softness.
Photo by Daniel Olah on Unsplash
The Stages of An Eating Disorder
What comes up when you are actively in recovery, simply going through the motions, or dangerously deep in your addiction?
When to eat; what to food to eat; how much to consume; what exercise I needed to do to counteract the food I had just eaten; how to avoid social situations that involved food; where I could throw food away... I would go to bed hungry, dream of food and wake up hungry.
My life revolved around food. I had tunnel vision.
But all of this happened slowly. Slowly but surely the eating disorder crept in, digging deep into vulernable crevices and parts of my mind. Stage by stage, the eating disorder took hold.
An eating disorder slowly crawls into those hidden, sore parts of you and before you know it, your addiction has consumed you.
At my lowest point, I couldn’t distinguish myself without an eating disorder. The Francesca I used to be was a distant memory.
Look within for introspection. Look beyond for perspective.
A few days ago, I was lucky enough to reconnect with an old childhood friend. We spoke about recovery. She told me of an exercise she did in therapy whereby she created a system so she could identify where she was in recovery. We can do the exercise together.
Imagine a set of traffic lights: green, yellow and red.
Choosing the path of recovery.
When you are in the “green stage”, you are actively choosing recovery, following meal plans and socializing, among many other things. You’re good. You're safe.
The next stage is called the “yellow stage”. This is when you are half in recovery. You know when you feel like you’re going nowhere slowly, or like you’ve hit a brick wall? It’s when you half in recovery but not truly invested in it. You’re not in a life threatening situation but you’re not really going out of your way to get to the next stage of recovery.
Lastly, the “red stage” is when you’re in the danger zone. This is when your triggers are at all-time high.
I was inspired after hearing about this therapeutic method from my friend that I decided to do one myself. I have outlined all the things that I identify to be present in my life when I’m in each Three Stages of Recovery.
Note that this is based on my own recovery experience so feel to free to share your thoughts in the comments below. Please share this with anyone who you know may be struggling with anorexia nervosa, bulimia, exercise addiction, orthorexia, general disordered eating or binge eating disorder.
Stage 1: The Green Stage of an Eating Disorder
Listening to my hunger cues
Eating intuitively and mindfully in silence
Resting
Giving myself loving body massages
Not worrying or feeling guilty about what I’ve just eaten, not dwelling or obsessing about what I just ate
Feeling relaxed around food, especially in social situations
Meditating
Feeling calm and present
Able to concentrate on tasks at work
Exercising because it feels good, not as punishment
Feeling joyful and energised
Laughing reguarly
Having a regular menstrual cycle
Stage 2: The Yellow Stage of Eating Disorders
Body checking (ie. looking at mirrors, feeling my stomach or thighs)
Excising despite feeling tired
Distracting myself around meal time by watching YouTube, listening to a podcast or swiping through social media
Increasingly scrolling through social media posts of food, exercise routines and bikini bodies
Intermittent fasting
Avoiding certain food groups (usually plant-based fats like seeds, nuts, avocado, nut and seed butters, oils etc)
Not going to my dietitian regularly
Increasing the amount of coffee or other appetite suppressants
Sticking to certain hours of eating times
Worrying how friends or restaurants prepare and cook food
Comparing what I eat to other people
Having an irregular menstrual cycle
Stage 3: The Red Stage of Eating Disorders
Not having a menstrual cycle and not telling my therapist about it
Withdrawing socially, becoming moody and feeling depressed
Feeling exhausted
Checking the scale multiply times a day
Throwing away food or giving food away as a “gift” as a way to get rid of it
Avoiding meal times and social situations with friends and family, not wanting to eat out
Chewing gum
Using a calorie counter
Going to bed hungry and waking up starving
Dreaming about food, having anxiety dreams around food
Exercising on the sly, lying about my exercise routine, over-exercising
Fearing certain food and only wanting to eat “healthy food”
Eating in an unbalanced and strict way
Constantly thinking about when I will eat next and what I will eat, repeating in my head what I will eat over and over
Obsessively looking at "food porn" pictures on social media
Feeling jealous and resentful of other people who I perceive to have “perfect” bodies
Feeling triggered by others who seem happy, content with themselves and their bodies
Guilt after each meal
Not seeing the value in recovery
Where do you think you fall on the scale? You may feel like you’re half in the red and half in the yellow stage, or maybe you are deep down in the red and don’t want to get better. Maybe you're 70% in the yellow with 10% in green and 20% in the red. Recovery is a slow process and we fall in and out of the stages over the years. It’s cyclical.
Recovery is cyclical.
Looking back at the last nine years of my recovery, there were things I did and parts of myself I don’t recongise anymore. When I was in the red stage, I was engaging in harmful and exhausting behaviours that today I wouldn’t even consider doing. It was like I had left my body and something else was controlling me.
I have been in the yellow stage for years and often fall into it. It feels safe. I can hold hands with recovery and with my eating disorder and still function. But in this place, I am complacent and recovery is not considered a priority. And this is dangerous because it is a slippery slope back into the red stage.
While I don’t consider it all to be sunshine and roses in the green stage (yes, sometime being healthy is hard for my eating disorder to accept!), I know what story my addiction wants me to live. And it’s sad, sob story that ends with a whimper. My eating disorder slowly robbed me of my values, beliefs, passions and desires.
I would much rather explore the uncharted waters where there is excitement, adventure and explosions of passion, creativity and pure, wholehearted joy. This is the stage I want to be in.
Keep shining. The world needs your light.
Keep shining.
Lots of love,
Francesca
How To Regain Your Period: Top 25 Tips
Eating disorders, going on and off the pill, being at a low weight and struggling hormonal imbalances can all cause us women to lose our periods. Whether you've lost it for a few months or haven't seen it in years, when we don't have a period, it's a sign that our bodies are not in a happy place.
Why?
When we get a menstrual cycle it's an indication that our bodies are at ease, comfortable and able to have children. Sure, some of you may not want to have children right now but the essence of human existence is to procreate. When we can't have babies, our bodies are telling us that there are more important functions that they need to focus on like digesting food, breathing, pumping blood (aka the essentials for life).
Sometimes it's convenient and less of a hassle to not have a period, I get it. But if your intention is to life a healthy, vibrant life, having a period part of the puzzle.
I understand that many of you out there haven't got your period in years. While it is beyond my scope of knowledge to tease out all the intricacies of hormonal imbalances, I have outlined a few things that you can apply today (if you haven't tried it already) that could help you on the path of restoring and regaining your period, in particular if you come from a past of eating disorders and being underweight.
My top 25 natural methods on healing yourself and getting your period back:
Vegan Diet
Eat a colourful plant-based diet.
Include healthy fats at each meal, especially seeds, nuts, nut/seed butters, non-dairy milk, coconut and coconut butter and avocado. Hormones love good fats. Be serious about including them.
Increase your protein intake. Focus on soy-based products like tofu, tempeh and soy milk, and don't forget hemp seeds, protein powder, quinoa legumes and beans.
Eat your leafy greens.
Make cruciferous vegetables your friends.
Don't fear carbohydrates. Include sweet potatoes, pumpkin, butternut, rye bread, rice, oats and barley.
Include fermented food like miso paste, kimchi, kefir, kombucha and sauerkraut.
Start seed cycling. Unsure what that is? Head here.
Eat regularly and consistently. Don't keep the body guessing as to when it will receive food.
Nutritional Supplements
Invest in a solid multivitamin. I use this one.
Depending on your hormonal levels, take Casteberry or include maca powder with your food (if you are low on testosterone).
Look into Chinese herbal medicine (but first chat to a Chinese doctor for guidance).
Take a daily probiotic.
Exercise or Rest
Cut down on the high intensity exercise. In some instances, I would suggest in cutting out exercise entirely.
Focus on yoga and weight training instead of running, HIIT and Crossfit. These forms of exercise are less stressful for the body and give the body time and space to repair.
Emotional Support
The mental aspect of healing is as important as the physical (if not more!). Go to therapy. Talk about your eating patterns. Express which foods cause you anxiety. The more we open up, the more we open to healing.
Find a women's circle where you feel safe to share with other women and ask for help.
Journal. Give yourself time to reflect. Write down your nighttime dreams. Become aware of your subconscious fears and desires.
Consider going to a Chinese doctor for regular acupuncture.
Take yourself to the doctor and go for a blood and hormone test. Understand where your body is at and what is needing. Sometimes we can feel in the dark and having some numbers and science can help guide us in the right direction.
Go to a dietician. They are able to assist you in gaining weight by offering food options and constructing tailored meal plans. Sometimes all you need is someone holding your hand through the daunting nutrition side of things.
General Lifestyle
Sleep, sleep, sleep! It's a non-negotiable for the body to restore, repair and regenerate.
I know our lives are hectic, work can be demanding and worrying about our period can cause pressure but try not to stress. I know it's not easy! Consider taking yourself on a little holiday.
Meditation. Find time for stillness. My favourite guided meditations are by Tara Brach - she has a great podcast too.
Be in nature. Reconnect to the earth. Play, roll, jump, hang. It's grounding, enlivening and good for the soul.
PS and full disclosure: I would like to add that it took me about 9 months to regain my period after coming off the pill and even now it's still not totally regular.
Patience and perseverance. Give your body time to recover. Speak to yourself kindly. Take care of yourself.
Life is fun and it is here for you to live it with joy! You deserve it.
I love you.
Francesca xx
Image: Photo by George Tsapakis on Unsplash
Fit for a Queen: 12 Apostles Vegan High Tea Review
Jam and scones. Light cucumber sandwiches. Warm herbal tea. A good 'ol biscuit. Dang, I love tea-time. I like having an excuse to get dressed up in the middle of the day for a mid-day fancy meal. I feel a little like royalty.
Did someone say ROYALTEA?!
Ha.
After having a grand, fine dining experience at the 12 Apostles a few months back (you can read up on my review here) I was very curious to try out their new vegan high tea menu, Tea By The Sea, which I heard was a must-try!
With my dear mother's birthday drawing near, I figured it would be a good excuse to give one of Cape Town's favourite hotels a visit once again. It also so happened that the hotel was hosting a live screening of the British Royal Wedding that was taking place on the same day so we were all to have a stately Saturday b-day tea.
We sat in the elegant Leopard Bar, among some die-hard royal family fans (I must admit I didn't know who was getting married until about an hour before!) who were keenly keeping an eye on the wedding proceedings. My mom made me promise to never spend the same amount as Meghan Markle did on a wedding dress. I mean... I don't even know if I will even have a wedding, let alone have a gown to go with it! But I digress.
Enough about the fashuuun. How was the food and draaank?
The tea started with a classy gin and tonic topped with a rose petal and a slice of cucumber, served in the daintiest, little tea cup I've ever come across. We were then presented with two beautiful, three-tiered display stands, consisting of finger sandwiches, scones, sweets and strawberries. My dad doesn't trust this whole vegan thing very much so he ordered some extra french fries on the side to keep him going. They were thin and crunchy just how fries should be.
Oh, where to begin?!
Serious for savoury
We began with the savoury food. In first place: the fried aubergine and dukka spice sandwich. In second place: the roast veggie sarmie with peppadew hummus. It can't be a vegan meal if there's no hummus, right?! In a close second (aka third): the sammie that came with a purple olive tapenade. I don't know what type of bread they used was but it was soft and the crust was on point.
Unfortunately we weren't given any mini vegetable crudités, as stated on the menu, despite asking for them three times....eeeeep :( I know they are just raw, sliced veggies, but still. I love 'em veg.
Little sandwiches. Loads of flavour. Welcome to the party, peppadew hummus and roasted vegetables. You're most welcome here.
Right, onto other very important matters...
Delectable dessert
Their vegan dessert selection was great. I thoroughly enjoyed the Valrhona Manjari chocolate and peanut butter bon bons and Valrhona Manjari chocolate and hazelnut cake slice. Sounds fancy because it was! Sounds delicious because it was! We also had a cute banana and walnut loaf (like a mini banana bread) and a teeny tiny, yummy raw, berry cheesecake slice.
A moment for the nom nom scone
I can't even remember the last time I had a good 'ol scone with a slap of jam, and I must say, their scones were absolutely perfect. Insider tip: add some some berry panna cotta and jam to the scone for a match made in heaven! It's light, sweet, and silky all at once! Day made.
Maybe they can add a savoury scone?! Now that would be smashing.
Well done to the 12 Apostles team for putting together yet another awesome vegan menu. This team is definitely leading the way for vegan eating within the hotel and tourism industry in Cape Town and South Africa, which shows that there is indeed demand for plant-based food from locals and tourists alike! Thank you for setting such a high (tea) standard.
This special, vegan high tea costs R375 per person and must be booked 24 hours in advance.
If you end up going, let me know what you think of the overall, royal experience. I would love to hear if this article helped you in any way.
How To Break Free From Your Mind
Dear Soul,
This week hasn't been easy. You are trying your best to go beyond your habitual thought patterns - to move beyond the self-deprecating stream of thoughts around your body, which are continuous, nasty, hurtful and agonising. Maybe this is why this week has been difficult; because for the first time you actually have the strength to actively think differently, to challenge your assumptions and ways of perceiving reality.
Isn't that beautiful way of looking at your suffering?
Look at how far you have come.
The old way of thinking that used to protect you and keep you small are slowly crumbling down - and you feel vulnerable and open. The shield is lowering. The walls are falling. And there in your wholeness you stand, and you feel full and large.
You are knee deep in the change. From small to large, things are shifting and transitioning. Within this duality, there is the unknown.
But in this unknown, within the nothingness, there is everything.
If you can begin to gently rest in the center of it all - within the nothingness - where there is infinite possibility. To find the calm is to ride the activity of transiency. For if there is one truth in this world, it is that things always change, from good to bad and bad to good. They are both the same and as such, there is no bad nor is there no good. There just is. When you distinguish that the only dualities that exist are the ones you make up, then you can let out a sigh, take a deep breath, and come home to yourself.
She is waiting for you, resting in the void of nothing and everything.
- Francesca
xx
10 Tips to Establish a Healthier Relationship Towards Your Period
What does it feel like to get a period? And what does it feel like for you to get your period when you are trying to recover from an eating disorder?
Are you happy when you period comes?
Maybe you are actually scared.
What if you feel angry towards it?
I want to focus on the last two specifically: feelings of fear and/or anger when that blood either trickles down or gushes through into your underwear every month.
For a very long time, my period symbolised my womanhood; what it meant to be, feel and act like a woman.
And that terrified me.
My eating disorder kept me underweight and so I was unable to get a regular menstrual cycle. My body, straight up and down like a prepubescent tween, was something I could control and manage. "As long as I can keep my weight like this, I know how I'll look each morning, how my clothes will fit and what my body will look like when I wake up", I would think to myself.
But developing hips, breasts, a butt, or a cleavage...? No thank you! These womanly body parts felt wild, rawly sensual, voluptuous and out of my control. Too full-bodied, too powerful. Growing into my divine feminine was too much to bear.
So to suppress it all from budding from a little weed into a flower in full bloom, I chose to starve myself.
That is what I feared.
For a long time, my period symbolised that I was healthy. My eating disorder made me feel like super human. While everyone else was simply average (in my disordered eyes), I took pride in being underweight. At my remarkably low weight, I was still able to exercise like a robot, get top marks in class, and feel like I had unlimited will-power.
Hunger and resting were signs of weakness and laziness that I could never allow myself to give into. If I got my period, it meant I became "one of them" - a normal human, at a normal weight, doing normal things.
My anger towards my period was anger at my body for failing me. For not being good enough.
I had attached so many things to this monthly shedding of blood that ultimately these judgements and stories kept me from myself.
It has taken over ten years to truly feel happiness and to be in awe of the miraculous and complex cycle that my body does every month. I am honestly always so excited when it comes as I see it as a sign from my body (and my mind) letting me know that I am healthy and on the right track. I often message my close friends to let them know it's that time of the month - seriously ;)
If you want to start developing a happier and healthier attitude towards your period, here are some of my tips and advice that have helped me in the past:
Get off the pill. If you want to know more about my journey of getting off the contraceptive pill and how it helped me develop a better outlook towards my menstrual cycle, click here.
Join a woman's circle and engage in women's work.
If you are suffering from an eating disorder, I do suggest some form of therapy, to figure out where the fear or resentment comes from. You can also read my top 31 tips on how to recover from an ED here.
Practice gratitudes towards your body and towards all of the complicated tasks it performs seamlessly everyday.
Become aware of the moon cycles and how your cycle syncs with it.
Paint, dance or creatively express what your period means to you.
Start to embrace your sexuality.
Start a period appreciation group with your girlfriends :D Anyone want to join me for a period party?
Practice positive self-talk so that you begin to associate your cycle in a brighter, optimistic way rather than weighing it down with doubt or apprehension.
This may sound harsh, but deal with it. Accept that your period is going to be something you have live with for a very long time. You can either learn to love it and be grateful for it, or you can choose to tirelessly fight with yourself each month. You decide.
I wish you all the best on your journey to a happier, light-filled you.
In love, always,
Francesca xxx
How to Overcome an Eating Disorder: 31 Tips
I received an email the other day with the question: "What has helped you deal with overcoming an eating disorder and body image stuff?".
I could have easily answered with suggestions such as going to therapy or having a strong support system, but the more I kept going and reflecting on my journey over these last ten years or so, the more I realised how many things have helped me along the way.
So, this will be quite a short blog post - I'm literally writing it ten minutes before I head off to work - but I felt very inspired to share some of the experiences and tools that have pushed me, shoved me, carried me, or held my hand.
Just a few notes - my recovery is not over. It is a continuous work in progress. Every meal, every waking moment is a choice to say YES or NO to recovery. If you haven't read my thoughts on what it feels like to go through an eating disorder, head over here, and if you're curious about my eating disorder relapse(s), head here. Everyone's journey is different so what has helped me may not help you, and visa versa. If I've missed something on the list below, I would love to hear what has impacted your life in your path towards reaching your truth.
So let's dive in.
Here are 31 things that have helped me get over my eating disorder:
Paying for and regularly going to professional psychoanalytical therapy.
Having a strong and supportive network of friends and family.
Going to a clinic that specialises in eating disorders as an inpatient for a few weeks.
Going to group therapy.
Leaving group therapy when it no longer served me.
Doing Shakti Malan's Sexual Awakening for Women meditation work and attending women's circles.
Rediscovering and embracing my sexuality.
Getting rid of old clothes that no longer fit and letting go of clothes that are didn't make me feel good.
Travel travel travel.
Unfollowing triggering people on social media.
Eating out at restaurants where I couldn't control how they prepared the food.
Eating "scary" or "challenge" foods.
Dancing.
Movement meditation.
Microdosing (more on this in the future).
Taking plant medicine in ceremonies or in relaxed environments.
Talking to people who also struggle with eating disorders or body-related issues.
Writing blog posts like this (aka being vulnerable, feeling the relief of expressing and witnessing how many people support me and who can relate when I open up honestly).
Painting.
Listening to inspiring YouTube videos and podcasts.
Going to a dietician.
Thinking positively.
Practising regular gratitudes.
Going vegan.
Doing art therapy.
Using meal plans.
Throwing meal plans away when they became too restrictive.
Yoga.
Forcing myself to rest when my body was tired but my thoughts were guilt-tripping me and telling me to do otherwise.
Going off the contraceptive pill.
Allowing time to pass, experiences to be experienced and simply growing up.
Recovery is like riding a wave. Sometimes it's smooth sailing, other times it's bumpy, chaotic and you get dunked. But if you choose recovery everyday, no matter how hard it is, you won't ever drown. Sure, you may gulp down some water and cough and splutter, but it doesn't last forever. You will breathe again. You will flow through life again.
Lots of love always,
Francesca
Falling into Relapse and Getting Out
Slipping away from being in a state of recovery is a relapse. It means resorting to old, unconscious ways of coping - like over-eating, under-eating, or over-exercising (to name by a few) - to get by tough situations. To helps to numb out difficult or uncomfortable feelings. Can you relate?
In times of struggle, stress or change, the walls that you have slowly chipped away at in your efforts of recovery, slowly rebuild back again - sometimes without you even realising. Before you know it, the walls are back up and you can't see over them. The truth that was beginning to shine through is now dimmed behind a wall of defences and maladaptive coping strategies.
Or, to use another analogy as in my previous short article, you have started to peek into the box. You have been holding onto that box for years, slowly adding things into it that you don't want to deal with. It becomes heavier and heavier as you add more and more comfortable moments, experiences and thoughts to it. But you've bravely started to look inside, removing these items out of the box. It becomes lighter and who knows, maybe you're ready to put that box down and walk away without it. But before you know it, that box is heavy once more, and you're dragging it behind you, trudging along, unable to shake it off. Can you relate?
Will I ever recover? Will I ever be able to have a normal relationship with food or exercise? For how long will I be able to maintain a healthy weight with a regular period before things get difficult again and I resort to old patterns? 6 months? 12 months? 5 years? It feels like I'm constantly walking a thin tightrope and if I take one tiny step out of line, things fall apart and I'm back to square one. This usually means a loss of my menstrual cycle, weight loss, food restriction, acne breakouts, heightened anxiety around social situations that involve food, increased body dysmorphia, decreased energy levels, lower self-worth, and a lack of interest in sex. It also means increased sessions with my dietician, and being told what to eat like I am the inpatient again back in the clinic. It means my therapist is more concerned, resulting in feelings of shame and guilt like a little school girl having done something wrong.
When I moved cities, about four months ago, to a new job and home with no real friends, things were shaken up - naturally. I thought I was coping until I lost my period after the first month, indicating that maybe things weren't as hunky dory as I thought. I thought I was coping but my body was telling otherwise.
Getting back on the train of recovery hasn't been easy. Every day is a conscious choice. There were days where I just wanted to hold onto that box so badly, build up walls and never emerge again. There were days where I felt I was playing an unfair game, for I was trying to get back to a healthy weight but I wasn't seeing any results. And then there were days where I was so inspired to get my health back that I just wanted to sing and dance with joy. Those were the days I felt alive and happy, and grateful to have such an amazing network of people who have supported me over the last ten years or so to help me get to a point where I can choose recovery over relapse.
It took about three months to bleed again - and it happened on the vibrant, energetic fullness of the full moon. Getting my period meant that not only did I manage to get back to a healthy weight, it meant that the dust was beginning to settle.
My new home is starting to feel like home.
My new job isn't feeling as overwhelming.
I have found a group of people I can call friends.
Being at a healthy weight is not simply a biological thing or a science. It's a representation of how high that wall is, or how tightly you are holding onto that box. The lower the wall and the lighter the grip, the more open you are. It's scarier being more exposed but it's easier for the truth within to shine through.
If you're going through recovery right now, I hope these words help. Please share with others who you think may benefit. Also, please read my thoughts on recovery from eating disorders here and how I have healed my acne while going through an eating disorder here.
Vegan Fine Dining in Cape Town
I don't do fancy. I may be 25 years old/young but I still lick my knife despite my dear mother having told me countless times not to. I call all wines "smooth and fruity" even if they're not. My nickname is "Messy Chessie" after my messy eating habits. But hell, how could I say no to trying out the new vegan tasting menu at the fancy Azure restaurant at the 12 Apostles Hotel in Cape Town?!
When I heard they had just launched a four-course vegan menu, I made a booking right away. And I did this despite living in another city. I was that determined to give it a go.
Vegan fine dining in South Africa is pretty much unheard of so all the stops needed to be pulled, including buying an airplane ticket from Durban to Cape Town just to pay the restaurant a visit.
Just kidding, I was planning on coming to Cape Town anyway. But I made sure this menu was on my to-do list while I was back visiting my hometown.
I've always had a weird fascination with this hotel. I recall my mom mentioning to me when I was around 12 years old that Michael Jackson would stay there when he came to Cape Town. Now bizarrely so, I've never been MJ's numero uno fan but for some reason, this little nugget of info lodged itself in my brain for years. I would always think about MJ chilling in some shiny suit and hat at the 12 Apostles every time I drove past it as the years went by - and I drove past it often.
I never thought I would ever get to go inside this mystery, celeb hotel.... But then... I did. And it wasn't as mysterious as I thought and I also didn't get to meet MJ. Oh well.
However, it is one of the most beautiful hotels I've been to and some of the best views Cape Town has to offer.
And how was the food?
Sweet and fruity.
follow me on @francescaeatsmushrooms ;)
That was an attempt at a joke. Can you tell I don't really know how to review restaurants? I try guys, I try.
I think though, what makes a good menu, especially when it comes to fine dining is not only the taste, but also the variety, plating, textures, and colours. Basically, is the plate a conversation starter, or not?
So on to the food. For real.
the amuse-bouche
A lovely tomato gazpacho in a shot glass was our palate cleanser. It was so delicious, I tried to stick a spoon into the bottom edge of the glass to scrape the remains. Unfortunately, shot glasses are too small for spoons it seems.
We also were given a collection of different breads, including raw seed crackers (yum!) with a red pepper hummus. We initially were given butter and salmon paté which was surprising but I guess it was a slip-up and misunderstanding. Once we explained that we couldn't eat it and why, we were served a nice big bowl of hummus. Obviously as a vegan being served animal products is not only an inconvenience as you have to ask for things to be sent back, but it can even be seen as offensive. When we explained to the waiter to change it, the mistake was corrected. Being a vegan is considered "weird" to some people so I don't feel the need to get angry or upset at someone who doesn't fully understand what veganism means.
the starter
I love beetroot but I never really cook it, mainly because I don't know how to make it taste delicious. I mean, it's great when roasted but how can I make it different and exciting? Well, Azure showed me how it really can be done with their Barbecued Beetroot. This starter comprised of salt baked beetroot, burnt orange, BBQ dressing, and pickled beets. Super yum. I licked the plate clean.
the second starter (or baby main?)
Next up was Nouvelle Mushrooms. Don't worry, I didn't know what that meant either. The menu stated it was roasted shitatke, forest mushroom consommé, mushroom ketchup, and picked shimeji. Still confused? I don't blame you. Guess you will have to go to the restaurant to try it out for yourself! ;)
This dish was my absolute favourite! The intricacies of this dish, from the variety of the tiny mushrooms (some that were small I almost didn't see them!) to the delicate consommé, just astounded me. The waitress even laughed at how excited I was. Who wants to go foraging mushrooms with me?!
mains
I love tofu and I love butternut so when I saw the two paired together, I knew this was going to be a goodie! The main dish was a colourful and textured plate of Roast Butternut Tofu, made with corn succotash, slow cooked white beans, yellow baby carrots, wilted baby spinach and chunky herb oil. I think they may have infused the tofu with butternut as the colour was a gorgeous orange. It was a striking-looking plate of food indeed.
dessert
Hmmmm, caramelised nuts! My weakness. If you want to get into my heart, give me caramelised nuts, rotis, sweet potato, dates and tahini. That actually sounds like a freaking epic meal... We may be onto something here. But that's another story.
Dessert was Caramelised Pineapple with a pineapple salad, pina colada sorbet, and caramelised nuts. There were even rose petals on the plate - now I'm really living up to my name @francescaeatsroses :D It was sweet, satisfying and I wanted more! A winner dessert that I would happily have again.
I thoroughly enjoyed my multiple courses at Azure. For Cape Town (and South Africa) this menu shows massive steps in restaurants being more and more accommodating to vegans. What's also great is that non-vegans can order a dish or two off this menu; you don't have to eat the entire four-course menu, meaning that more people can try a vegan meal without having to commit to what may be a daunting menu to try in one go. It is very costly though - close to R500 per person so maybe reserve it for a special occasion. It's worth it.
If you're living in Cape Town, or are visiting the city soon, definitely set some time to give the menu a try and to show your support! The more people who express interest in this menu (and others like it), the more vegan options we will see cropping up over time! And that's the goal, right?
Thanks for the lunch 12 Apostles!
What Recovery Feels Like
Recovery is a deliberate, considered choice that is required everyday, at each meal, after each meal, between meals, when I wake up, when I go to bed, when I’m in a relationship, at parties, at functions, at work lunches, at best friend brunches, before I exercise, while I exercise, after I exercise, before I go to bed, when I wake up, on weekdays and on weekends.
It is relentless. It's so tiring having to choose to fight through my own mind all the time.
Some days don’t even feel like I’m in recovery. I may not be going backwards, but I am sure as hell not going forwards. That's what I call the "limbo state" of recovery - where nothing gets worse but nothing gets better. I maintain just the right amount of weight to remain healthy.
My recovery has been slow. It's been roughly ten years now. I envy those who seemed to have got over the majority of their disordered thoughts but on the other hand, I also fear to have what they have, which is recovery. Losing my grip on what is the remaining bit of my eating disorder would mean I would lose control and once the black hole opens, the falling never stops.
Am I right in my thinking though?
I’ve been told by therapists, friends and dieticians that I’m wrong and that my theory of falling down and down and down, unable to put on the brakes is a irrational thought. But I wouldn’t know as I’ve never truly allowed myself to fully let go of these annoying, harsh, self-deprecating thoughts.
I’ve stood on the edge of the waterfall and have looked down so many times - but just looking. Never jumping.
Why haven't I just leapt? For I have had the taste of freedom without my eating disorder and it was glorious, but for so long I have felt that my eating disorder was a part of me. Without it, who would I be? My identity would be compromised. I would no longer be that small, cute, unique person amongst all the "normal" people. It would mean I would lose the protective wall around me. I would have be vulnerable and raw; me at my most primal - something that cannot be controlled or contained within me would emerge. And that thought scared me.
After years of undertaking various forms of therapy and healing techniques, I came to the realisation, while sitting quietly and journaling in a yoga studio, that my eating disorder is like a box. It’s a box I have been holding on to dearly for years and years. Whenever something comes my way that is hard to sit with or face, I throw it in there.
So there it all sits - in the box - waiting and waiting, for years upon years, to be faced and dealt with. But it never does - so it grows old and ugly and disfigured. The inside of the box becomes messy, yet I still hold on, unable to look inside the mess and give it a clean.
What I can do though, should I truly want to, is to actually put that box down and walk away. That box is not me. I just picked it up during a tough time in my life without much thought - and it helped me through that experience; I could put that difficult thing away and move on with my life. Simple. But now I have been holding on to that box ever since because I don’t know how to deal with things without it.
To put the box down and walk away would mean facing things alone, unarmed. The box wouldn’t be held up tightly against me, protecting me from the blows. The truth of the matter is, is that I can put that box down. I really could. If I wanted to. But I would first have to deal with all the experiences I have been unable to face over my lifetime first that I have conveniently cast away in the box.
And how do I do that? Time and getting older, having awareness, being honest and delving deeper into past experiences. These are just some of the avenues I am exploring. It’s a continuous exploration and there is no real end goal in sight. I can’t put a date to it. I can’t ever say “AHA, I am now recovered.”
No, I just need to trust the process (a rather overused phrase that was often said when I was in a clinic for my eating disorder but which really helped me during that time).
Over the next few months, I will hopefully be sharing my journey on what it feels like to recover from an eating disorder. For the last few weeks, I have had an urge to write about this. I don't really know why, but I have been feeling very called to share what is an extremely personal and delicate topic with you all. I hope that these words touch you in some way. Please reach out to me if you are so inspired.
Keep shining,
Francesca xxx