This Is My Eating Disorder Speaking
this is my eating disorder speaking
“So I know you want to break up with me, leave me and forget about me. Oh I know how you can’t take it anymore. You’re sick of me. You’re desperate to get rid of me. But I know you - you can’t just turn your back on me. I’ve still got you in my clutches.
My hold may be subtler these days. Not many people can even notice I’m around most of the time but I’m still with you every day. My presence is is like static white noise on a TV. Droning on relentlessly. Sometime I wonder if you can still hear me in the background. But then I see you body checking, fretting about that extra helping, the glee you feel when you’ve ‘managed to control’ your food, the anxiety in social situation, the panic in a skipped gym session.
Sure, you are able to bounce back quicker and better than you have ever have done before - and I will give you credit for that and how you deal with things these days - but you just can’t let me go fully. It’s like a terrible abusive relationship. It’s like Stockholm Syndrome.
Sorry to say this, but the joke is on you, friend, because you think I actually give you something in this relationship. You think I give you control, predictability and safety. But I’ll be honest with you and tell you that I don’t give you shit. I mean, there was a time when I came in handy and was needed, but then you just got super attached to me. Not my problem. You believed you couldn’t exist without me. I gave you everything, including a sense of identity. Shame.
I think that you’re starting to realise my lies and that the deprecating thoughts I pollute your with are not true. My lies keep you from you comprehending your truth, your life, your essence, your self-expression, you love.
If you want to leave, the ball is in your court babes. I’m very comfortable here and the longer I stay, the harder it is going to be for me to leave. It has already been ten years. Ten years too long, don’t you think? If you want me to leave, face your fears. Face the fact that you’ll change, including your body size, the way you think, how you love and exist.
Maybe you will realise that by embracing all who you are, without hiding in the shadows. that you will accomplish great things. Your fear of being rejected for not looking a certain way may diminish in time - if you can trust that. And I know you don’t fully trust that belief - and this is why you still hold onto me. Don’t you think it’s a bit silly and superficial? I know you’re more than that. And no one paid me to say this by the way.
Look, I’m going to be biased and say that life is better when I’m around but I know deep down you want to get rid of me. I don’t take offense because I don’t feel the way you do. I don’t have a heart like you or can love or live with vitality and adventure like you can. I’m just your eating disorder voice.
So whatever. Take me or leave me.