Eating Disorders and Speaking Up

During the darker depths of my eating disorder, I used food to stuff words down when I wanted to speak up and restricted my food as a way to literally hold back on my truth.

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Tension and restriction in the jaw, throat, mouth, and skull are all signs of when we shut down our communication. The physical tension is like a brick wall around our head (and heart), and this puts strain on the body over the long run, exacerbating eating disorder behaviours too.

For many people with eating disorders, there is a knowing that an eating disorder is not something that someone chooses, but rather an eating disorder comes into someone’s life as a way to protect their delicate and complex system that has become scared.

And often, that protection whether it be restriction, compulsive exercise, body checking, chewing up, chewing/spitting, purging, or bingeing, is a response to some kind of danger that was felt in the body when the individual tried to express themselves authentically.

Many of us may have experienced this when we expressed or asserted ourselves, and it wasn’t received in supportive ways. Maybe we were ignored, challenged, undermined, invalidated, disregarded, or laughed at.

This can send out the unconscious message of, “If you speak your truth, you may be rejected and cast out of the tribe”.

And so, relying on food to swallow our authentic voice became a way to cope in a world that didn’t feel safe to express our truth.

We may have a big fear that if we rock the boat (even in the slightest way), speak up, or express our needs, wants or boundaries, that we will be kicked out of the group and have nowhere to go, or belong.

On an eating disorder level, this may manifest as:

• Pushing one’s voice down by over-eating.

• Restricting food so one doesn’t have any energy to express at all or even feel one’s desire.

• Using purging as a way to scream or express all the things one wants but cannot have.

• Over-exercising as a way to run away from what one wants..

• Feeling unsure what food to eat.

• Not knowing when one is hungry or full.

• Feeling hesitant to ask for a particular food that one really wants to eat.

Self-expression, truth-telling, and speaking up in eating disorder recovery

This leads to holding back on our words, our calling, and our heart’s yearnings. And ultimately, this energy of holding back gets stuck and locked in our systems, and is eventually expressed through the body, like acne, TMJ, teeth grinding, asthma, difficulty sleeping, depression, anxiety, eating disorders, and so much more.

For those of you who are navigating eating disorder recovery right now, take some time to tune into your truth, needs, and desires, and “get right” with your own truth, and allow it to be free in you – this is the real work, and the first step: releasing the shame and fear from what you truly want and care about.

Eating disorder recovery is about reclaiming your heart’s authentic communication -its truth - without self-judgement or self-punishment.

Then the next step is communicating that truth to loved ones (which can be scary because now we are in the realm of intimacy and vulnerability which isn’t easy for eating disorders), and to be open to it being received as possibly a no (another scary reality)– and then do the work from a nervous system level that rewires those old beliefs that fear that all no’s lead to rejection (aka death) into a coherent system that has greater capacity and perspective to hold oneself from the inside out.

This work not only takes embodied awareness and great courage, but also it requires generational unwiring (and fundamental rewiring) because for many people with eating disorders, we are carrying wounds from previous generations, particularly around authentic expression. Recovery is a deep, multidimensional process.

Practicing speaking up and sharing one’s authentic expression can be done through actual speaking (in a safe and trusted spaces), writing letters or poems, singing, dancing, or creating art. Sharing in a group setting where other people are also navigating recovery can also be powerful - hearing other people’s shares can invite inspiration and courage to speak up and share one’s story.

This is where deep healing can occur: through witnessing, being witnessed, and sharing our stories in an energy field that is welcoming, accepting, validating, and encouraging.

We heal by sharing our authentic truth.

To join my monthly Eating Disorder Recovery Support Group, head here. In this space we invite authentic expression, compassionate listening, and embodied sharing as a way to bring healing and unity on this path.

Photo by Christopher Campbell on Unsplash

Restriction in Eating Disorders: Is It Really About The Food?

Restricting food is more than just trying to eat less, ignoring hunger cues, or trying to make the body into a smaller size.

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Restricting food, eating disorders, and disordered eating are symbols for the needs that cannot be asked for but want to be expressed.

Restricting food is a symbol feeling more protected by coming across as not having any needs.

Restricting food is a symbol for fearing what happens if intimacy comes in too close.

Restricting food is a symbol for wanting to state healthy boundaries but not knowing how.

Restricting food is a symbol for putting a lid on big emotions, sensations, expressions, impulses because it feels scary to let them out.

Restricting food is a symbol of one’s inner power yearning to be expressed but terrified what will happen when one steps into it.

Restricting food is a symbol of one’s love deeply, quietly, strongly calling out to be shared.

Restricting food is a sign pointing you towards your deepest wisdom and truth.

Restriction in eating disorder is more than just restricting food or the body’s size.

Restriction is an attempt to keep things the same; there is a fear of the unknown, of letting go of well-outlined plans, and of releasing the grip.

For many people, an eating disorder began as a protective strategy during a time where there was a lot of unknown and chaos. The ritualistic food and body behaviours are ways to bring in order, control, and certainty. Over time, these attempts to restrict no longer work as well as they once did and start affecting our wellbeing in the long run.

We start to realize that this attempt at trying to control and keep things the same is an illusion because even behind the meticulous calorie counting, exercise tracking, and strict food planning, internally things still feel out of control - and above all else, we still don’t actually know what comes next.

Recovery from restriction asks us to accept the fundamental truth - that the only thing that is constant is change; and to be with that groundless change, we have to find safety, ground, and home within ourselves.

Recovery asks to rebuild safety in our bodies, regulation in our nervous system, and authentic expression within our somas, so that we can be with, open to, and free with the ebbs and flows of life.

Recovery is about shifting from restricting change to opening up to it.

Photo by Simone Pellegrini on Unsplash

What Does Eating Disorder Recovery Look Like On The Other Side?

I have been pondering over a question that I often receive in my 1:1 sessions and monthly support groups, which is: What does recovery look like on the other side? 

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This powerful question immediately asks us to dream a life without the protective food and body strategies, and to envision who we would be without them.

This is such a beautiful contemplation that I am sure many of you who are walking the eating disorder recovery path have come across in your hearts and minds. 

It may feel like a big step to try to imagine a life without these behaviours and thought loops, especially if you've been in it for a long time, or if it feels like the eating disorder or disordered eating patterns have become part of your identity.

If this is you, I would like to gently share with you that this is ok, and by acknowledging that this is where you are at, is the most important part of this whole process.

It is ok to not know. It is ok to not be able to imagine a life without the eating disorder/food/body rituals. Accepting that this is where you are in your journey brings compassion and patience - which are two keys to this journey.

We start where we are, not where we are not.

Remember, when we are wrapped up in the eating disorder, it is very hard to dream and envision. This is one of the results of trauma or prolonged stress: It is more challenging to access our creative capacity and imagination, because the system is more focused towards survival.

For many people, an eating disorder began as a protective strategy during a time where there was a lot of unknown and chaos. The ritualistic food and body behaviours are ways to bring in order, control, and certainty.

When life doesn’t feel safe, and when we haven’t yet learnt or developed tools to support and regulate, we will do whatever it takes to mimic a sense of control and protection. This is where meticulous calorie counting, exercise tracking, and strict food planning come into play because it brings a sense of order to an internal and external world that feels chaotic.

When our system is still locked in a state of survival - where getting away from danger an avoiding threat at all costs are the only priorities - the focus becomes narrow, leaving little room to dream big or widen and open the focus. 

It is key then, for anyone in recovery, to access spaces and moments where things are safe so that there the system is able to genuinely downregulate and soften. It is in moments like these, that are safe, grounding, and recalibrating, that envisioning and imagining new possibilities can occur.

So, I invite you to ponder over these questions as you imagine a life, a day, or a moment without an eating disorder:

How would you show up in the world?  
How would you value your body-temple? 
In what ways would your connection to food change? 
What larger, collective systems would shift or fall away? 
How would society organize itself, and what would it prioritize? 
Would your relationships - including with the Earth - be any different?

Two final thoughts on this contemplation - 

Everyone's recovery looks different and so what recovery looks like to you will be totally different to another person.

We will all be led on our own paths, experiencing the unique experiences that we need to support each of us in own healing and transformation. Do not compare the pace, speed, direction of your path to anyone else. Remember, your individual path, however it looks, contributes to the greater collective and generational healing.

Your unique path matters. Deeply.

And there is no end goal to reach on this path.

The road of recovery has not finite end. There is no "other side". Whilst this path does result in a lessening of punishing thought patterns and a decrease in reliance on restrictive food and body rules, it is a gradual, never-ending process, with many layers that extend beyond food. 

Stay for the process.

Be here for your process. 

I honour you on your path. Thank you for showing up.

Photo by Mo on Unsplash

Fear Tactics For Eating Disorder Recovery Do Not Work

Eating disorders are born out of trauma.

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They are strategies of defensive action, meaning that they try to bring a sense of protection, control and holding due to unmetabolized emotions, memories and actions associated with the trauma. As such, the body is already in a state of fear - so rather than adding more fear in treatment, let us bring compassion and gentleness to the recovery process.

What this means is that when we are in recovery, it is not helpful to say “this eating disorder is going to kill you” or “you need to try harder.” The nervous system is already in so much fear and in a place of shame, and by trying to force an individual out of an eating disorder through fear tactics simply doesn’t work.

We don’t need to add more fear to the system that is already in a state of fear, and that was in fear before the eating disorder even developed.

We need a compassionate approach. And we need a compassionate approach to bring in safety and containment because a scared nervous system cannot support nourishment when it’s in fear.

In order to eat intuitively, we need a regulated nervous system and a felt sense of safety. If we don’t feel safe, it is hard to eat and hard for the body to digest.

If we aren’t feeling safe, the body is biologically not prepared to eat - it is prepared for danger. And when the body is geared to keep danger and threat away, the body places less focus on digestion, increasing the chances of constipation or IBS - and if we experience digestive issues, it not only feels physically uncomfortable, but we also don’t feel great emotionally either.

So we need safety to digest our food, and we digest properly when we feel safe. That’s why when we feel safe, our digestion works pretty well. The nervous system is in balance, alignment, and inner harmony.

When we feel safe, this also opens the capacity to tune into our desires around food that stem from a grounded place rather than from a place of fear.

We can eat more intuitively, accurately assess our hunger and fullness cues, and determine what we are hungry for.

I understand how natural it is to feel the fear in this context - especially when there are very real risks that come from eating disorders, like malnourishment, organ failure and death. If possible, see where there are moments where you can bring in the energy compassion, a human to human meeting.

Indeed, an eating disorder often represents a young inner child who has been wounded and who is scared. As such, how we approach eating disorders require a lot of gentleness, kindness and holding.

A compassionate approach to recovery

Photo by J W on Unsplash

The Impact of Covid on Eating Disorders

After a challenging two years, we have somehow got to the other side of Covid, with many of us feeling frazzled, tired, and unsure how to come to terms with what just happened.

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During this time of isolation, fear, separation, and change, there has been a dramatic rise in eating disorders. Eating disorders are strategies that individuals “pick up” during times of stress or trauma, that place sharp attention on food and the body, as ways to try cover up feelings of disconnection, insecurity, and pain.

A 2020 study mentioned that the COVID‐19 pandemic has created a global context that has led to an increase eating disorder risk and symptoms, decrease factors that protect against eating disorders, and exacerbate barriers to care.

For many people, the disruptions to daily routines and constraints to outdoor activities increased weight and shape concerns, whilst being so homebound negatively impacted eating, exercise, and sleeping patterns, all which increase the risk for eating disorders.

The absence of clear routines and markers of time and space - like mealtimes, or distinctions between home and work areas, or the dissolving of structures that were supporting eating plans - increase the risk for eating disorder behaviours.

In addition, the restrictions around activities like grocery shopping or eating out at restaurants, combined with perceptions of scarcity of certain food products, heighten attentional focus on food which could increase the likelihood of binge eating. Obsessive healthy eating is also a consequence of the pandemic whereby eating for one’s immunity and one’s health result in restriction.

Furthermore, the social restrictions have deprived many individuals of the social support and adaptive and protective coping strategies. These difficulties in access to care may exacerbate existing health inequities, and negatively affect those for whom the pandemic has reduced financial resources.

And of course, the increase in eating disorder‐specific or anxiety‐provoking social media and the reliance on video conferencing can negatively impact body image and other eating disorder symptoms.

How has Covid impacted eating disorder tendencies in your life?

Despite many parts of the world starting to open up again, why are eating disorders still so prevalent?

The ripples and the aftermath of Covid are still living within our nervous systems. The somatic experience is still fear, uncertainty, and mistrust because there haven’t been enough spaces for individuals to process and release the experience.

When the body is still locked in the stress of the experience, the eating disorder strategies that came in to protect during that time continue playing out because the body has not fully registered that it is safe.

This is why eating disorders continue to persist even when things have “opened up".

Things have not truly opened up. Collectively, what have we done to make sense of the pandemic and the imprints that it has left on our psyches and within our human history?

When things open up without proper acknowledgement or intention, the body and brain do not fully recongise that things have shifted or change, and will continue clinging onto the strategies that brought protection during the times of stress and fear.

Luckily, this points to where support and help can come in: creating safe, intentional places with the support of a loving presence for the fear to be acknowledged and ultimately moved through.

This is a process that takes two (or more) individuals coming together. Unlike during the pandemic’s signature of social isolation, the antidote to an eating disorder is social connection and co-regulation. This points to the power of group therapy, where people can come together to share stories and to remember they are not alone.

When people can come together to create an intentional and integrated healing space, the body can register the safety, and can begin to acknowledge the period of stress is over, and can start to trust again. Over time, trust with one’s own body emerges once again, as well as greater emotional resilience, and connection with the wider world

This process does take practice and time. It takes practice to learn and remember adaptive coping strategies. It takes time to comprehend, grieve, acknowledge, and grow from all the things that happened since 2020.

Things then start to open up from the inside out.

In that spaciousness, there is a chance to breathe again and live freely and from a place of inner harmony.

By restoring safety and trust with our own bodies and with the world, we can collectively and individually recover, heal, and transform.

Photo by Soragrit Wongsa on Unsplash

Finding Ground Within

Have you experienced a moment (or many moments) in your life where it seems like almost every aspect of your life is changing?

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And there's no way to stop the process nor turning back?

I am finding myself in one of those moments. It's like I am standing on the edge of a cliff and the only available next action is to jump - to fly through the air and at some point land at the foothills of yet another mountain.

My body often feels like it's moving forward and backwards at the same time, demonstrating to me that I feel both ready and scared to take the leap. My day is filled with rollercoasters of freedom and withdrawing and with spaciousness and contracting. Oh, the highs and lows, ebbs and flows!

As my concepts of home, work, relationships, ways of showing up in the world, and sense of self are being challenged to grow and evolve, I am also observing how the old imprints are resistant and sticky to shift. And at the same time, the new patterns are excitedly calling out to be set free.

Being compassionate and patient with myself is the only way to navigate this internal tug-of-war. In offering myself warmth, gentleness, and softness, there is an atmosphere of nurturance and openness that is inherently conducive for these new patterns to encode.

And so when I meet the resistance, judgement, rigidity, or hardness, I open my inner and outer vision, relax areas of tension in my body, take a longer exhale, and bring out the big mumma bear from within me so I can hold myself.

I remind myself that it's ok to be scared of change and of expansion.
I remind myself that it's ok that the old imprints of protection and survival still show up.
I remind myself that it's ok to go slowly and take small steps when facing the unknown.
I remind myself it's ok for the process to be messy and confusing.
I remind myself to enjoy the process of leaping through the air rather than worrying about the landing.
I remind myself that it's ok to fear change because it almost always leads to a more deeply aligned truth and fuller embodiment.

Whatever you do, find the ground within

This pendulation motion of expansion and contraction are the growth edges that change stirs up inside of us.

An eating disorder is an attempt at trying to find some kind of ground in and amongst this changing sea of emotion and growth.

When we are able to create a foundation within ourselves that is sustainable, life-supportive, regulating, and containing, we are able to ride the ebbs and flows of life without holding onto the eating disorder strategies to get by.

When that foundation is built to support all emotions and the fullness of our expression, in all of its shapes, textures, tones, and rhythms, the eating disorder can eventually let go of us.

Recovery is about building a sacred foundation within the psyche that is robust and flexible and is geared towards holding the most precious parts within us that yearn to be held.

Paying attention to how the body makes sense of change through how it holds on in some places and where releases in other parts can give us clues where additional support is needed as we move from the shores of the known into the waters of the unknown.

When the inevitable groundlessness of reality beneath us starts to shift, morph, and change, it's time to find the ground within.

It can no longer be the eating disorder behaviours that try rigidly hold everything together.

We are being asked to find other ways to move through change that are more life-supportive, flexible, and sustainable that also include the body - indeed, it is the body that helps us make sense of change, release old stories, and prepare us for the next embodied upgrade.

We are also being asked to be intimately present with each moment so that when change does come, and things do reach an end, we can say we allowed ourselves to fully experience, receive, and embrace life.

Photo by Daniel Newman on Unsplash

Healing the Wound of Separation

How do you think eating disorders try to support, remedy, bring into balance, defend against, protect from, symbolize, or embody the energy of the world that we currently are living in today?

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Disordered eating can often get unnoticed because we live in a world where the ways that we relate to food and our bodies are somewhat disordered.

Things like dieting, over-exercising, or leaving out whole food groups are promoted and not questioned. A particular body type - that cannot be achieved or sustained - is idealized and accepted in our culture.

We can call this culture that we live in “diet culture”, whereby a certain body type is idolized, some foods are demonized whilst others are idealized, and places the pursuit of thinness as a moral virtue. On a baseline level, we are swimming in big collective soup where restriction and the obsessive pursuit of thinness as considered ok.

And it’s not ok.

Underneath all of the restriction, dieting, leaving out certain foods, clean eating, bingeing, over-exercising, purging, and over-eating beyond fullness are deep cries and yearnings for connection.

Eating disorders symbolise the imperative need of finding our way back to whole connection.

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When we see beyond the food, we see what it takes for us to truly recover and disentangle from the rigid and sticky food and body rules.

To recover and transform is to heal the wound of separation - the separation from our own bodies, from our communities, from the Earth, from our hearts, and from our authentic embodiment.

When we notice how the food is a symbol for where there has been a severance, we can start laying down the pathways back to connection.

Embedded in genuine and supportive connection are safety, belonging, and integrity. We have the right and the innate capacity to feel safety in our own bodies and within the world. We have the right and the innate capacity to feel a sense of true belonging on this Earth, home in our own bodies, and a belonging with a resonant tribe of people. We have the right and the innate capacity to feel a sense of enoughness, wholeness, and integrity simply because we are alive.

And with the right supportive, containing conditions with others, we have the capacity to transmute limiting eating disorder imprints into empowered blueprints, whereby we can live from a whole, heart-centered, and connected embodiment. This is recovery. And we cannot do it alone.

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When we step into a more authentic embodiment, we are essentially widening our toolbox to deal with the inevitable ebbs and flows of life.

An eating disorder, in whatever shape it looks, is a tool that tries to help someone move through a challenge. The concern is that when it is the only tool to move through that challenge, then food and the body are compromised, and someone can put their health and their vitality in danger.

Thus, recovery is actually widening that toolbox, so that we don't have to keep gripping onto food, or onto the body to try feel a sense of safety, belonging, or integrity.

These additional tools, when practiced regularly, reeducate the nervous system how to establish grounding, safety, and holding; support feelings of wholeness and integrity despite what has happened; and encourage healthy boundaries and the seeking of welcoming belonging.

When these tools are added to the toolbox, and the stresses and unknowns of life come, there is greater tolerance to be with the discomfort and increased capacity to move through the groundlessness of change and challenge with an inner holding and inner grounding.

Rather than escaping and moving away from the discomfort, there is an ability to actually be with it - connected to it - and to move through it to the other side. If the challenge is actually too overwhelming however, and all that feels accessible is to go into ED patterns of numbing or pushing away, we can choose to go into it consciously into them, but with an expanded awareness of what is happening and how the nervous system is perceiving the experience.

In this way, we are consciously adding, practicing, and implementing tools to the toolbox that are conscious, sustainable, and supportive in the long-run.

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On the other hand, an eating disorder is unconsciously picked up as a tool during a time of challenge when there were no other effective tools at hand. The behaviour (whether it be restriction, binging, purging etc.) is understood by the psyche as an efficient way to push through discomfort.

This eating behaviour forms a very deep imprint/pattern within the psyche. And this pattern is in the driver's seat, ruling the show, driving actions, thoughts, emotions, and beliefs. This imprint can become pervasive, infiltrating the whole root system within the psyche, touching on almost every part of an individual's life.

By focusing on the food or on the body, we don’t have to look within. Like any addiction, the focus is placed on the external to help solve or alleviate the problem - in the short-term.

As such, recovery - as painful as it can be - is learning to go underneath and dig up what isn’t being faced, with the sturdy support of a wider toolbox.

By connecting within, we start the process of learning how to trust ourselves, and this is how the imprints that keep us focused on the external start to shift, affecting the way we think, feel and act - that is, from the inside out.

Through diet culture’s promises of saving us and making us better people through diet and fitness programs and detox cleanses, we learn that we cannot trust ourselves or the voice within.

They lead us to believe that we have to place our power, hopes, dreams, and aspirations in the hands of the products they hope to sell us and pocket from.

So when we choose recovery, it is about listening within - to trust the inner voice, and to move from that place, guided by intuitive impulses and somatic knowledge.

Recovery is about coming back home, bringing this fragmented and external orientation back into wholeness.

This is what trauma healing is about: bringing the truncated parts back into the whole. And this is how psychedelics, microdosing, and sacred plant medicine can support eating disorder recovery - they inherently supporting the healing, remembering, reclaiming, and restoration of the true, core self.

Indeed, at its core, an eating disorder symbolises the disconnection from the essential, whole self.

It is a symbol of separation from the actual body. It is a separation from food that brings nourishment and life force. It is a separation from being close and in connection with the world. It is a separation from pleasure and play. It is a separation from the body of this Earth (how we treat and relate to our bodies is a reflection our relationship with the Earth).

And it seems that eating disorders are more prevalent than ever. This is because we are in such a deep time of separation where there has been a huge severing across our entire world. This time has reflected back to us and impacted how we feel safe within our own bodies, and with others, as well as our sense of belonging. The current state of the world is asking us what it takes to move from the generational and collective imprints of separation into embodying blueprints of wholeness.

Think about times in the past where you have felt a shift from separation to connection.

What were those nourishing conditions that positively supported you to come home within yourself? Who or what provided a safe container for you to express your authentic embodiment and your voice? What was needed for you to feel a sense of inherent belonging, integrity, and safety to simply be?

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I invite you now to imagine a world that is whole, connected and free from eating disorders.

Bring to mind ways of how people relate to each other, how people value their bodies, how people eat, and what foods they nourish themselves with. You can notice how people relate to younger or older generations, people of colour, transpeople, people from different social classes, people with different physical or mental abilities, and people in any and all body sizes. What do you see? What systems and institutions would change, shift, or completely fall away? How would we be educating our children? What would the schools, health systems, media outlets, or governments communicate? What is the energetic frequency of this vision that you see?

And finally, think about what it would take for the eating disorder to let go of us?

Who do we have to become for it to let go of us? What do have to embody so that the eating disorder can no longer hold on.

This is a vision of freedom. This is a vision of connection and wholeness. And this vision is possible - and it starts within.

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Recovery starts with connecting with and acknowledging the body (which can often the hardest part), and can be done through developing regulation tools for the nervous system and for emotions.

It starts with encouraging dance, movement and creative expression, play, pleasure, joy, spontaneity, and flexibility.

It starts with turning within and listening to the inner guidance, allowing and following intuitive impulses rather than restricting them.

It starts with supporting healthy boundaries, agency, choice, and authentic expression rather than silencing.

It starts with acknowledging the wound of separation within ourselves, within our family and within our culture. It starts with recognizing the diet culture mentality, to stand up against it, and to no longer perpetuate it.

It starts with connecting to this great body of the Earth as a way to care for our bodies in nurturing and compassionate ways, that also support the expansion of our perpetual lens, and feeling more interconnected and at home in the world.

It starts with establishing a baseline of deservingness and worthiness that stands in the belief that we deserve to heal. We deserve to transform, to be in our fullest authentic expression and embodiment in ways that feel safe and that are celebrated.

Recovery and transformation start with love - to give and to receive love, and ultimately to hold love within. This process brings the fragmented parts back into wholeness and into connection, held in safety and integrity.

Recovery is whole-ing embodiment process whereby we come home to our bodies, and are able to fully embrace the world around us.

Photo by Jon Flobrant on Unsplash

A Prayer to My Body

Dear Body,
You receive my mental imprints of worry,
Squashed into your tissues, fascia, and bone.
And so you structure yourself
Into small and contracted ways because it’s all you’ve ever known.
But some point you tell me you’ve had enough -
Of walls, and amour, and all that defensive stuff.
And so, you ask me to move,
To melt away the rigidity and cold grooves.
The movement starts off tiny, awkward, and unsure.
But then something happens, and you feel open, grounded and secure.
You start to flow and change,
And my mental imprints begin to rearrange.
And is there dear Body,
Where we live in harmony.
This is where we will meet as often as we need,
Until we are free, mind, heart and body embodied.

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This poem was inspired during a moment of integrating a number of macro psychedelic and microdosing experiences whereby I connected dance, words, and nature together as a prayer for my body and my own recovery, as well as for the body of the Earth. You can watch the dance piece here.

Why Choose Recovery?

I’ve been spending time on clarify my intentions around why I choose – and should choose – eating disorder recovery.

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Sometimes it can feel like one long slog, right? Connecting with our WHY is integral to staying on the path.

I choose eating disorder recovery because I feel better. I have no desire to allow myself to go back to that place before I started recovery. I feel so much more regulated and have much more capacity to be with the world. I am able think clearly, to see deeply, to feel more expansively.

I choose recovery because it has allowed me to connect with people around the world. Through this process of stepping into a more true version of myself, I attract others who are also showing up to this work, who are dedicated to their healing, and are willing to go beyond surface-level interactions. These connections bring a lot of fulfilment into my life.

I choose eating disorder recovery because I believe it has a positive impact on timelines, breaking generational and cultural patterns and carving a different future for those who I may meet and those I will never meet.

I choose recovery as I feel it is support the collective in our evolutionary process. The more of us show up to this healing work, the greater the awareness, and the greater that we have the chance to ultimately take care of this planet in a better way. I feel that the more that we can connect with our bodies, the more that we can connect and tend to the body of this Earth, who sustains us, who cares for us, who gives so much to us.

I choose recovery because it has rekindled my connection this great mystery, with this unknown, magical, mysterious world. With that, there's been an increased sense of trust, faith and surrender to this healing process. And in that, there's a lot of relief and letting go of control and of needing to know everything - and to rather trust in this greater support.

I choose recovery because there doesn’t feel there is another option. It is in my DNA, it is my service, it is my healing, it is in my soma.

I choose eating disorder recovery because I am supported on this path. I have much gratitude to share and extend to sacred plant medicine allies and psychedelics for providing me with affirmations to keep walking this path. And to remain hopeful and resilient in the in the face of a world that does not support recovery and body diversity.

Connecting with something greater than yourself, and dedicating yourself to a higher purpose, keeps you in eating disorder recovery.

Recovery is not just about and for you - it ripples out into the collective, contributing to the evolution of humanity, impacting past, present and future timelines.

Your healing ripples out into communities, giving them permission to thrive, flourish, and heal. It is about coming into right relationship with the interconnected web of all existence. This is not an individual process. Healing is sacred reciprocity.

Why do you choose recovery?

Photo by Vladislav Babienko on Unsplash

Dreaming a Life Without an Eating Disorder

Eating disorder recovery is about dreaming and dying. We dream a new life into being - without the eating disorder - and let go of the old, allowing what is no longer supportive to die.

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As we move deeper on our path of healing, we see how our reality has come into being, formed by our beliefs. As we walk the path with greater awareness and more aligned embodiment, we recognize the power to consciously create the life that we want that is free from the eating disorder.

The life that we want, free from the layers of the ED, can be positively supported by empowering beliefs, our ability to envision a fulfilling life path, and by our conscious, committed efforts to show up to the creation of that reality.

When I think about the reality I was in when I was in my eating disorder, it was unconscious; I was numbed out for so long, drifting through life, living somebody else's dream, all of which developed as a response and an adaptation to trauma imprinting.

When we dream a different life into reality, we move away from the trauma patterns, no longer defined by the past. We can stand firmly in the present, and can observe with clarity who is in the driver’s seat defining and creating our future. Is it the true, core self? And if so, what aspects need to die for this dream to manifest? Or is the eating disorder still running the show, dictating our thoughts, feelings, and actions?

Who is the one dreaming?

The power of recovery is the ability to introspect, self-reflect, look within, and envision beyond what you believe it possible. As we walk the healing path, we have the chance to look at anything that has been forgotten or repressed: the parts that the eating disorder don't want to see or deal with. This is the part of the recovery journey where we go into the cave and confront our hidden parts, so that we can ultimately integrate and connect with the true self, and diminish the powers of any kind of dark, repressed forces.

From this place, there is an opportunity to direct the dream into a direction that is more aligned with our authenticity and our truth, and without the eating disorder dancing our dance.

When we reach this stage of recovery, we have reached a place of visioning a future without the eating disorder. It is also the stage where we face “our death” whereby we take a look at what things can be left behind that are not serving this great dream. By facing the shadows, we can integrate them back into wholeness, transforming them into wisdom and treasures. And it is with these treasures that we leave the cave and return to our communities and share our gifts.

We look within and when ready, share these clear and vibrant insights with the world around us, pulling us closer and closer to the dream. And repeat this process again and again.

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Bear in mind, the ego will fight against this introspection and there will be resistance to not look at the habitual, unconscious patterns. This is because the eating disorder wants things to stay the same and wants to avoid the shadow.

Thus, to be in the space of recovery takes intuitive grace, radical responsibility, commitment laced with integrity, strength, perseverance, patience, and equanimity.

It is rather the embracing of taking responsibility for our growth and our development, rather than bracing against it.

Through the act of introspection, there is a natural pause and stillness that happens. In these moments, we have the clarity as all the distractions melt and fade away. In the space of stillness, self-reflection, and introspection, there is an opportunity to cleanse and purify your intentions for being here on this road of recovery. So ask yourself,

Why do you want to recover? What does life look like on the other side? What matters to you? What do you care about? How do you want to show up in the world? What does recovery mean to you? In what ways has this recovery journey shaped you? How are you bringing your dreams of healing and growth into reality?

dreaming a new reality

Through this process, there is a washing away of what doesn't serve. As the layers come off, you stand in your truth, in your core essence, and in the pure energetic signature of who you are.

This is an immense feeling to hold and embody.

And it is imperative to practice embodying these higher frequency states over the course of recovery to start aligning the body and mind with this greater vision. It takes practice. We practice recovery in titrated and manageable bites so the nervous system can integrate the evolutions.

Embodying a higher frequency state can be felt in a plant medicine ceremony, in a conscious dance journey, meditation, a sweat lodge, by an inspired conversation, through singing or prayer, creative activities, and essentially anything that gets you into flow.

Holding this frequency can bring up many emotions. It can be bittersweet. It can feel sad: maybe it feels sad knowing how long and far away you have existed from this higher energetic state. Perhaps you feel sad to let go of the old parts that feel comfortable and known. And it can be incredibly exciting to taste what is possible.

Once that taste has been tasted, it is possible to design your life around these inspired frequencies and to dance with that energy. And the practice dance is a powerful modality for moving energy and emotions, dropping us from the thinking mind into the feeling body.

As we dive deeper into our bodies, the more connected we are to our heart space. The heart space is where we dream. It is the place where we create our heartfelt intentions. It is the place that connects heaven and earth, bringing dreams into the physical plane. The heart is like the trunk of the tree, bridging the roots to the earth and the branches up to the sky.

When we step into recovery alongside our intentions, with or without the support of psychedelics or sacred plant medicine (including microdosing), there is usually a desire to feel differently, or to feel some other kind of energy state that feels more aligned, supportive and inspired.

Psychedelics can show us another way to feel differently. Plant medicine show us who we truly are without the layers: the aligned embodiment of our core essence. They remind us that is possible to live more authentically and that we have the right to dream a new reality - and we are worthy and deserving of that reality.

Plant medicines show us that in order to birth the dreams and healing that we envision for ourselves, we are required to tune into the heart space and move from that place with trust, to allow the dreams to continue evolving with us, and for anything else to fall away to make space for the core self to shine through.

The more we step into recovery, the more vitality we feel and the more capacity we have to dream. We have more desire to be creative. There is an increased lifeforce, sense of purpose, and belonging. There is an ability to move with waves of energy and emotions with equanimity. We are able to move the energy of stored, stuck trauma shifting from old beliefs into new ones.

Recovery is about having a flexible, fluid nervous system that can respond from a grounded, centered place. Recovery is being able to envision another reality, and to feel into the boundless oceanic sea of possibilities. It is the process of deepening embodiment, whereby our inner space and the outer world work in congruency, with grace, and ease. Recovery about is moving into another blueprint of embodiment, and into another existence relating and being. Recovery is in the moments where we can introspect and see deeply at what we have created, and to envision something beyond what we believe as possible.

What are you dreaming for your healing, recovery, and transformation?

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There is Medicine in The Eating Disorder

Why would I have chosen this path of having an eating disorder? Is it possible I chose to have an eating disorder?

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Over the period of my recovery, I have come to see that having the struggles of an eating disorder was and is necessary for my soul to experience.

Shifting from the perspective of being broken or stuck, blaming or in a victim mindset, into a perspective that views the eating disorder as an integral part of my evolution, with medicine, wisdom and insight to offer me, widens my capacity to heal.

When we can embrace our deepest wounds as medicine, we can shift the energy of our suffering. There is possibility to transform our suffering into our strength, and for some, even into service to offer for the world at large. When we see our wounds as gifts or blessings, they no longer grip onto us with such force.

When we make meaning of the situation in this way, we move into an energetic state of empowerment, curiosity, and flexibility whereby healing and freedom can arise.

Recovery is an effort of consciously choosing to deepen, widen, and lengthen our perspective of our eating disorders and our place in the world.

We have the choice to look and tend to our wounds, and to reframe them.

Choice.

let us choose our recovery pathway

For many people with an eating disorder, it can feel like we didn’t have a choice in having an eating disorder. Indeed, at the time of trauma, there was no other choice than to use food and body strategies to cope with life.

There were no other tools resources, or support available to manage the pain. I’m sure many of you can relate that the eating disorder, whether anorexia, bulimia, binge eating, over-exercise, orthorexia etc., was not something you chose one morning. It developed without conscious awareness. It developed in the places where we didn’t have the sight: in the painful places that were too hard to acknowledge.

Additionally, an eating disorder often comes into our lives because it is hard to express or communicate with others what we want. For many of us, the eating disorder developed as a way to stay connected with others because our expression was rejected. We had to choose living someone else’s dream over our own in order to stay in some kind of attachment with our caregivers. If we chose to be ourselves, we may further risk being rejected or left behind.

For some, the eating disorder comes in to numb or hide away from others. It acts as a barrier or separation wall between oneself and the world. Living in that way, there isn’t much exchange with the outside. As we step more into recovery, we emerge more into the world, and with that we are asked to communicate our needs and desires - and that can feel scary. It can feel unsettling to make choices, to set boundaries, to share parts of ourselves, and choose ourselves and our own self-care over another.

This unsettling points to all the places that need to be acknowledged and healed. It’s the growth edge. It’s the stretch we all feel as move from the comfort zone into the spaces of the unknown. So in a way, I do think I chose to move through the fire of an eating disorder in order to learn very specific lessons for my evolution. I believe some of the most challenging moments have been the most powerful as they often lead to increased awareness and understanding.

Eating disorder recovery is about bringing increased awareness to those shadow parts that don’t want to be seen or heard, and in that awareness there is embodied agency and empowerment to choose another way.

Once we see the wounding and shadows in a curious light, the relationship to our suffering changes, and they transform into something sacred. We move from the dual nature into a state of being. We bring cohesion to the fragmented parts into integration. We bring balance and unification within. We no longer believe to be separate from the world, and see the inherent interconnection with all of life.

Indeed, we open up to the sacred mysteries that emerge from the shadows, and the wisdom that comes from the darkness. In seeing it all in the light of our awareness, there is liberation and freedom.

Facing my eating disorder, with the support of sacred plant medicine/psychedelics, and somatic therapy, has taught me about coming into alignment with my truth.

It has taught me how to express honestly. It has taught me how to listen and pause. It has brought closer to my intuitive wisdom. It has taught me about connection and intimacy. It has taught me how to manage and regulate my nervous system. It has called me forward into deeper spiritual integrity and faith. It has taught me about attachment patterns, safety, and authentic attunement.

It has brought me to my purpose, service, and devotion. It has connected me with all kinds of beautiful souls around the world. It has shone light on compassion, empathy, kindness, humility, and patience towards myself and others. It has taught me about wholeness, dignity, surrender, and trust. It has shown me that the only template to embody for healing is one that is self-love.

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As we move along the path of spiritual warriorship, we need courage and commitment, we must trust the surrender, have a sense of steadfastness, and hold equanimity - because sometimes the medicine isn’t always easy to swallow.

When we choose recovery, we see things we can no longer un-see. This is the increased awareness that comes with recovery. And when we see it all, we are we are faced with a choice. We can either continue on the path that we have been on, or we choose another path that includes all of those forgotten parts that have been hidden in the darkness. Once included, the shadow parts transmute into light. So if we choose the latter, we choose to step closer towards wholeness, alignment and inner truth.

As challenging or uncomfortable as this process can be, we can celebrate! We can celebrate this moment as a catalyst for deepening awareness and stepping into more wholehearted inner integration.

Recovery is messy, nonlinear, and imperfect. It's about seeing and perceiving more clearly, becoming more aware of all the parts, patterns, conditioning, layers, and the old narratives. Recovery teaches us about widening our capacity to be with feelings of pain and discomfort.

Often, we think about healing as no longer feeling any pain. Rather, it is about being able to hold what is here, and increasing our tolerance to hold whatever is arising.

Recovery is about training our nervous system to increase its ability to be with the fire, so to speak, rather than having knee-jerk reactions, running away, shutting down, or trying to fight it off. In recovery, we practice to take a breath instead of being blinded by the fire, and making a conscious, aware choice that is grounded, connected, and aligned with our values.

Recovery is going deep within - into the cave or through the fire - and reclaiming the lost treasures. It is an initiation of transformation, whereby we become the medicine we seek.

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You Are The Ceremony

You carry a sacred temple around with you at each moment; this sacred temple is your own human body.

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You exist right in the heart of this sacred body temple, and within it, you create the ceremony of your life.

Through your own body, your life can become a practice of cultivating presence. By practising presence, you begin to see it all. Each moment of presence becomes sacred, filled with gifts, gems, treasures, messages and signs. You make the ceremony through the embodiment of practicing presence.

Every step you walk, every word spoken, and every gesture weaves and forms the ceremony that is your life. Everyday is a ceremony because you are the ceremony. This is eating disorder recovery.

It’s time to think big, broad, and deep. Can you imagine a world where everyone ate intuitively and accepted their bodies: where there was no such thing as an eating disorder?

It is possible to embody a high vibrational frequency where the eating disorder has to eventually let go of us. It is possible to embody an energetic signature that is beyond the energy that the eating disorder exists in which is tightly held in density, hiding, veils, and masks.

It is possible to embody a frequency that is expressed through freedom, wholeness, trust, safe intimacy, and radiance. This is a future that is possible when we see it in our minds, feel it in our bodies, and allow our hearts to lead.

You create the ceremony in your imagination, through your authentic embodiment, and with your aligned actions. You are the ceremony.

You are the ceremony

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What is The Energetic Signature of an Eating Disorder?

Eating disorders are a response to some form of a dysregulating foundational experience where there was inadequate support (this is what we call trauma).

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When trauma happens there is a shift of energy that occurs inside of us - we move from our essential selves to a fragmented version of who we are. The eating disorder then becomes the external manifestation of that internal shift that emanated from that dysregulating root experience.

The result of recovery is a deeper embodiment of our attachment systems, our defense systems and our sensory processing systems.

This means that in recovery, we learn how to connect and bond with others safely, by grounding into and reembodying our own divine, essential energetic signature that is underneath all of the layers of the eating disorder. In recovery, we learn how to manage overwhelm, and stress, and create boundaries.

We come to understand what it takes to protect our energy, stand up for ourselves, and defend what is important to us. In recovery, we learn how to connect with our five senses, and to listen to how the body communicates.

The eating disorder behaviors reflect how the body speaks about how a person makes sense of life. As such, the eating disorder behaviors indicate to us that something has gone astray. Usually, someone with an eating disorder has had a moment (or many moments) of feeling unsafe, of not being recognized, feeling unsupported, not being seen, or feeling undervalued.

These potent experiences result in a tightening or contraction of energy. And the individual then goes through a process (often very unconsciously) of rejecting their essential energetic signature. For many of us, it hasn't felt safe to move out of that contraction - it hasn't felt safe for us to step into our true selves.

This is because our true selves weren't recognized. Our energetic signature's were unsupported. They weren't seen.

That contraction, and that energetic state, and all of the behaviors that come along with it, get absorbed into our system and imprinted into our brain and becomes the foundation from which everything else grows. The eating disorders are therefore showing us what it takes to stay alive, and on the flip side, showing us what the soul needs to thrive and to fully exist in the world.

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When we hear the word contraction, or tightening, that may bring up a specific image, a feeling, or memory. On the other hand, when we think of expansion and flow, that causes a completely different feeling, memory, or thought to arise.

And this is the foundation of nervous system regulation.

Nervous system regulation is the mastery of energy.

Nervous system regulation is foundational for eating disorder recovery. And eating disorders are a form of trying to manage energy.

Eating disorders block feelings of overwhelm (which is energy). They block feelings of pain or discomfort (also energy) through all the many eating disorder related-strategies.

For example, an individual experiences a feeling of blocked energy that causes discomfort. In response, they start to calorie count, or go into meal planning, or over-exercise, or there's a binge or a purge - all of these things distract the person from that blocked energy.

These tactics are helpful in distracting us, but we are still avoiding the pain and the discomfort that is underneath. Ultimately that energy is asking to be released or transmuted. It doesn't want to remain blocked because blocked energy leads to many kinds of physical and mental challenges, like eating disorders.

As such, recovery includes awareness, courage, strength, and commitment to notice when some kind of discomfort arises. Rather than running to the eating disorder behaviors, we can learn how to be with it.

how would you represent or describe the energetic frequency of an eating disorder?

It is important to note here that we don't have to do this alone. The support of being with others is crucial, because we can connect with other people's energy fields, and through mirroring, copying, or borrowing their nervous system/energy state, we learn how to regulate and balance our own energy in empowered ways.

Recovery is about recognizing that there will always be ups and downs, whilst at the same time developing capacity to be with what is arising and utilizing sustainable, life-supporting tools to move through these waves. It is about learning how to come back to a place of grounded, centered connection throughout the day rather than spiking into anxious energetic states and then crashing into shutdown or collapsed energies.

Perhaps we never had a role model in our youth who demonstrated the ability to self-calm, or self-soothe. Maybe we didn't have a role model who demonstrated how to reach out for help in a healthy way, who couldn't affirm their boundaries, or didn't model how to connect and bond with ease.

Perhaps we had role models who also used food to soothe, numb or relieve, which we then picked up on - and maybe not. Perhaps we were just picking up on their dysregulated energetic states and that resulted in us finding food on our by ourselves as our own strategy to cope.

It seems then that root causes of eating disorders often can stem from the attachment system: how we were cared for, seen, and looked after, how co-regulation was shared or not, and how we were raised in the home, at school, or in any prominent space we frequented in those developmental years.

How our attachment figure was energetically organized affected us in some way. If they were energetically overbounded (rigid, tightly curled up, protection mode), or unbounded (lose, energy spilling, unaware of boundaries), we may try protect ourselves against the over or unbounded energy by doing the complete opposite or copying that energetic signature.

For example, if the caregiver was very overbounded state, we may do the opposite by becoming rebellious, breaking the rules. and being impulsive. On the other hand, we may mirror that same rigidity in ourselves.

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How our bodies and how our caregivers bodies are organized somatically can impact our feelings, thoughts, actions, relationships, beliefs and worldviews, and can lead to any kind of eating disorder behavior.

For example, someone may come to believe that there's no place for them in the world because their caregiver didn't attune to them properly or connect with them in a way that they needed.

This means that their essential energetic signature was not received because they were not seen or attuned to.

This may lead the individual to make themselves small, by crossing their arms, holding their head down, sitting in the back of the room, not speaking up in class, or being unable to make decisions because at their core they don't have a sense of self.

Thus, eating disorder can manifest in many ways. It can manifest in restriction by trying to become physically small. Maybe it ends up in bingeing because they can't identify fullness or hunger cues (as there isn't a sense of self). It could manifest in being unsure about what to eat and feeling of overwhelm at the thought of making a decision. The eating disorder may manifest as over-exercise, such as using heavy weights or running, in an attempt to feel the body and that sense of existing. Or it may end up as purging because when the food comes into the body, the person feels more alive, that they exist, that their body takes up space, and thus have to get it out through a purge.

When we look at root causes, it is less about what the eating disordered behavior or symptom is, and more about how we've come to understand life through our connection with others - which the eating disorder symbolizes.

As we come into deeper embodiment and eating disorder recovery, what we will see and experience is more of a relaxed and alert energy, being able to be present, being able to access tools to stabilize, and there's a sense of more connectedness, awareness, and feeling resourced.

In recovery, there's an ability to reach out for support, and the belief that we are deserving of support. There a sense of being empowered to make choices and feel that there are options. There is the capacity to metabolize feelings, a sense of resilience, and the belief that we can be with what is here.

Recovery is a particular energetic state compared to the eating disorder. I am sure I don't have to go into the details here - I'm sure many of you have felt it and have been in the energetic frequency of an active eating disorder. It is tight and contracted, miles apart from expansion and flow.

Recovery is about creating little pockets of time, with the support of others, to feel the energetic quality of recovery for a moment, to test it out, to feel its potency, and to trust this state, one breath and one step at a time. This is the road of recovery.

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I'm Hosting Eating Disorder Support Groups

I am excited to announce that I will once again be hosting online eating disorder support groups.

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For me, going groups after coming out of an eating disorder inpatient clinic was life-changing. I could be with people who were at all different stages of their healing journey. I remembered I was not alone and found refuge in other people's shares. I could relate and resonate.

“Heal yourself with beautiful love, and always remember, you are the medicine.”

— María Sabina

There were so many gifts that I could take away from each session; each person had such beautifully raw and real wisdom that helped me see myself in a new light.

When held safely and with compassion, group work reminds us that we heal in community. As much as an eating disorder separates us from ourselves, our hearts, and the world, the coming home process of healing is done when there is support, witnessing and holding alongside other people.

This group is open to anyone at any stage of their healing path. Whether you struggle with restrictive eating, binge eating, bulimia, over-exercise, orthorexia, body image issues, disordered eating, or you feel like something just needs to shift around food, you are welcome to join. If you are supporting a loved one through this, you are also most welcomed.

If you are looking for a space to connect with others who are on the quest for finding deeper embodiment, alignment, trust and peace with food and body, this space is for you.

For all the group details, head here, and to book your spot, just pop me an email.

May you be supported in your unfolding journey towards your true self, held with patience and compassion. May you be witnessed and celebrated in your growth!

With gratitude
Francesca Rose

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What is Orthorexia and How it Impacts the Nervous System

Orthorexia Nervosa is explained as an unhealthy obsession with healthy eating and while it is not recognized as its own eating disorder diagnosis, the struggles felt by those with orthorexia are very real.  

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People with orthorexia nervosa are super-focused on the quality of their food and view their diet as an indicator of their health and worth.

They often have a list of food habits they obey, including a set of foods or ingredients they intentionally avoid out of fear for health consequences. It is characterized as an obsession with not only “pure” foods but also a belief that the body must always be a “clean" vessel - and that the food (and sometimes products) one consumes can harm the cleanliness and "integrity of the body.

characteristics of orthorexia:

• Cutting out foods or food groups leading to limited variety in the diet, usually eating only fruits and veggies or organic foods

• Focusing on food cleanliness and purity (e.g. “clean eating,” “whole foods” or only organic)

• Reading nutrition facts and ingredient lists

• Concern for nutrition, including a heightened interest in the health quality of food of others

• Dedicating large amounts of time to meal planning and cooking foods that comply with their dietary restrictions; including strict behaviours around preparation of meals

• Anxiety at social events where food is served

• Refusing to go to social events because of the food served

• Body image struggles

• Getting stressed out when “safe” foods are not available

• A worry, concern and/or deep fear about the ingredients in food products

• Foods rituals take over the daily schedule

• Isolation from others

There is nothing wrong with wanting to eat to support your health. Everyone has their individual values, medical histories, and the ability to choose what works best given the resources they have. 

The main distinction with orthorexia is that one’s food behaviours jeopardizes one’s quality of life and well-being, often resulting in feelings of distress or lack of flexibility that stop one from living the life they desire.

how do you know if you might be suffering from orthorexia?

1. Food fear and anxiety. In orthorexia, food choices are made from a place of external influence (aka diet culture). The food rules and patterns prevent people from honoring internal desires, and making choices from a place of peace and authenticity. Fear, perfectionism, stress, or anxiety show up when in the presence of food. One may experience self-judgement in the act of trying to craft the “perfect” diet.

2. A lot of control and little flexibility. Individuals may experience distress when they do not have full control over the menu. Social events and travel bring up anxiety because the “safe” foods are not accessible, or don’t meet the criteria of healthy enough. With the many rituals around food preparation, people cannot enjoy foods spontaneously in the moment.

3. Mindset. Food takes up a lot of headspace, like with all disordered eating strategies. Reading the wellness articles, shopping for safe foods, meal planning, daily cooking and preparation, and researching restaurant and menu items time up a lot of time.

Orthorexia is a complex eating disorder to understand, especially since many of us have been conditioned to believe that food and diet are the only determining factors for our health. However, health encompasses mental, social, emotional, spiritual health, and more. Additionally, everyone holds a different definition or view of health as well, so as there are many factors that make up health, there are many ways to define it too.

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the impact of diet culture

We live in a diet culture work that demonizes one way of eating and celebrating anther, resulting in hyper-vigilance and shame around food choices. This causes us to ignore what we desire, cutting up from our pleasure, as well as what brings us joy, including passions and purpose. Diet culture is sneaky these days - whilst we don’t hear about the typical Weight Watcher-style diets anymore, thinness is still very much part of what it means to considered healthy (as is whiteness, youth, physical ability, and wealth). Detoxes, cleanses, elimination diets, gluten hysteria, and clean eating all form part of diet culture today, masking the ultimate goal of weight loss behind “healthy lifestyle changes.”

Whilst some people have health conditions (e.g. celiac disease), most of us who benefit more by exploring how we eat, and how the role of disordered eating may play a role in our health, rather than cutting out foods or food groups.

The heavy mental and emotional load of weight stigma, and anxiety and obsession around food may play bigger roles in determining health outcomes rather than actual weight or food habits. Putting too much emphasis on our day-to-day food choices don’t lead to improved health, but rather to a preoccupation with food and panic about our health.

tip: Look at how you relate to food rather than what you eat.

When is healthy food unhealthy?

If you’re restricting, bingeing, over-exercising, or treating some foods as “bad” or “off limits”, you may experience certain physical symptoms because eating disorder or disordered eating behaviours impacts the GI tract; and these symptoms worsen when we feel anxious about the food around us.

Perhaps you’ve experienced this: You think about gluten and you feel constipated, bloated, or fatigued. This is called the “nocebo” effect, whereby thinking about something causes you to feel pain or sick. This is the opposite of the placebo effect, which describes how positive thinking can reduces symptoms.

Additionally, changes in routine often cause people with orthorexia to feel anxious, triggering reactions like IBS, regardless of what foods one is actually eating. In other words, it’s not always the food itself causing symptoms, but simply the fact that the food is not considered part of the “safe foods list”, prepared by someone else, and/or consuming new combinations of food.

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patriarchal purity mindset

The relationship between body size and health is not so straightforward - there are many fat people who are healthy, and many thin people who are not. Being in a larger body leads to certain diseases not because of size but because of the social stigma that keeps fat people from getting the resources and health care they deserve, as well as being impacted by poverty (people in larger bodies are paid less and stereotyped as less capable than people in smaller bodies), and other risk factors.

Patriarchy keeps us busy and keeps us spending - which is key for people with orthorexia who often spend a lot of money on expensive healthy things like superfoods, supplements, and organic produce.

Part of my recovery journey included recognizing my own internalized fatphobia which came from oppressive patriarchal forces that tells people who identify as female to be small, quiet, good and meek. Dominating patriarchal values have seeped into our food choices and how we relate and control our bodies. By fixating on making ourselves small, we don’t have the time and space to go after our dreams and help to change the world.

we can’t fight patriarchy or follow our purpose on a growling stomach.

“A culture fixated on female thinness is not an obsession about female beauty, but an obsession about female obedience. Dieting is the most potent political sedative in women’s history.” - Naomi Wolf, The Beauty Myth

The dulling of the wild, powerful woman, who is raw, wildness, spiraling, in the unfolding present moment, creative, and spontaneous is shunned, is so virtues of reason, rationality, austerity, and order are elevated. All that is neat, pure, lean, white and precise are acceptable whilst anything that is implicitly fat and feminine, flowery, lavish, and excessive are redundant.

The soft borders of our bodies mean that we don’t have enough discipline; roundness being associated with weakness of will. The human appetite is considered to lack purity and willpower, and should be tamed and shamed. Those who stick to a restrictive diet are seen to have achieved something good or virtuous. The quest of diminishing ourselves makes us feel like we are getting somewhere, and thus more acceptable, into a reasonable body.

When our bodies are palatable for society, there is a sense of belonging.

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our nervous system wants us to be safe

Our nervous system is constantly on the lookout for safety and threat, known as “neuroception” (termed coined by Steven Porges, author of Polyvagal Theory), which is essentially the nervous system assessing whether we belong or don’t belong in the environment in which we find ourselves. This is an evolutionary advantage - by perceiving what is threatening and what is safe, we have learnt how to get away from or move towards situations for our survival.

When we are in a state of panic and anxiety around food and weight, we are activating the sympathetic nervous system which engages our flight or fight stress responses. Our bodies don’t know why we are stressed, it just recognizes that we are stressed and thus in some kind of danger. Long-term, chronic stress leads to all kinds of health issues (refer to why diets don’t work).

However, we need the sympathetic part of our nervous system to get away from danger, as well as to get out of bed in the morning, and to find food. When we get hungry, we feel agitated and that response of agitation mobilizes us to find food.

When we override these feelings, our bodies continue to simulate the stress responses, which are amplified by our internal rumination around weight and worth, and over time this impacts our digestion. The more stressed we are, the harder it is for our food to digest.

If we are in this state for a long time, the sympathetic response may go into a dorsal response which is akin to a collapsed state. The digestive system may no longer work in this state which can lead to constipation, poor nutrient absorption, and a holding onto any food that comes in (fearing it will not get food for a long time - again).

Ultimately, the nervous system must feel safe in order to digest food properly, and the proper digestion can only happen when the nervous system is in a relaxed, balanced and calm state.

we digest food when we are safe, and when we are safe, we can digest food.

This points to the importance of nervous system regulation in eating disorder recovery, orthorexia included, meaning that we see the body as a resource and that we must learn how to resource the body in and for the recovery journey (see somatic therapy for eating disorders and an embodied approach to eating disorders), especially when we are constantly bombarded by activating or triggering diet culture messaging.

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All coping is rooted in wisdom no matter how much it may be getting in the way of you having a more peaceful relationship with food. The orthorexic or eating disorder adaptations did not show up out of nowhere. It may have helped you to get through some tough things and have helped you get to this point in your life - it’s part of the Hero’s Journey.

Now it’s possible that you see how these adaptations are no longer serving you in the ways they used to. And this takes time, and it is not a linear or perfect process either.

Healing your relationship with food “imperfectly” is the way out of diet culture – not being perfectly polished, expecting the “relapses”, embracing the imperfect path of healing, getting out of the rigid competitive mindset of diet culture – and instead just keep showing up as you are, and keep trying, researching, experimenting and expanding.

Freedom will not be found in another plan or program focused on “the problem of your body.” To begin the healing process, start by calling out diet culture, observing the mind patterns (aka zooming out), observing the thoughts (questioning “Who would I be without this thought”), and engaging in grounding, soothing and empowering embodiment practices, with support from a coach, therapist or community.

trust is key in healing from orthorexia work.

In orthorexia there is often the belief that the body is sensitive and fragile and can’t be trusted, and so we have to do all that we can to keep it healthy - otherwise it will collapse into chaos. Through orthorexic tendencies, trust in our bodies is destroyed and we end up feeling more disconnected, relying on the external rules from diet culture to tell us what to do, rather than listening to internal cues.

Just like when you’ve lost trust in any relationship in your life, it takes time to regain it. When it comes to trusting the body, this relationship building is reciprocal - you are working on trusting your body and your body is working on trusting you to give it enough to eat consistently.

Quick exercise: Imagine a close connection with friend or family. If you lost trust with that person in your life, what would you need in place to rebuild trust? It goes the same for our bodies.

Here are some journal prompts to keep the reflection going:

• What does it mean to trust your own body?

• How has your body, just as it is, helped you survive in the world?

• What are some ways your body shows up just for you?

• If there were to be no more judgment about your body - from yourself or others - what would you want to do to take care of yourself?

This work is revolutionary. Our bodies cannot breathe when they are overtaken by constructed and prescribed societal demands and standards. Our stories and bodies are too complex to fit into one body size, or skin colour, or gender. Our bodies, claimed as they are now, are an act of breaking free, empowering and liberating ourselves, bringing us closer to humanity, connection, and embodiment.

We are learning to reconnect with our innate wisdom, and unapologetically stand our ground, in our values and truth. Keep going.

Photo by Tangerine Newt on Unsplash

Why Diets Don't Work

Reality check: There is no correct or right weight to be.

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It can take a lot of unlearning and a huge amount of self-compassion to begin questioning the messages around food and body that we have spent most of our lives internalizing (not to mention what has been passed down generationally). Diet culture can make you feel like a stranger in your own body, in your home, in the world, and even in your mother’s womb.

Diet culture is so entrenched that it is not uncommon for parents, nurses, doctors and educators to comment on unborn babies and little kiddies who are at a higher weight. People are getting body shamed before they are even born. Diet culture is so deep in our psyches that people do not even know how to question fatphobia, let alone acknowledge it.

How many of you received some comment about what you were eating, how much you ate, or received comments on your weight or appearance as a child?

Does this sound familiar: Hold in your tummy. Are you really that hungry? You’ve eaten too much. If you are a parent, one of the most important things we can do is to let go of our need to police or control our child’s body, as well as measuring our own success as parents by our ability to do that. And who of you saw your parents comment about their own body size around you and/or engaging in diet or fitness behaviour, such as excessive exercise, portioning food, or only eating the salad whilst everyone else had pizza.

Truth: Diet culture is everywhere.

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what diets don’t tell you

So many of us have gone round and round the diet culture train. And since it’s the beginning of 2022, I’m sure most of us have seen our fair share of New Year, New You diet/cleanse/detox/fitness regime/lifestyle change. So rather than hopping on the nauseating merry-go-round again, let’s take the long-term view for a moment: some people might have a few months or even a few years of seeming success on diets, however it most likely won’t last and often causes harm in the long-run.

Indeed, up to 90% of weight-loss efforts fail within 2-5 years. In fact, up to 2/3 of people who try to shrink their bodies end up gaining more weight than they lost. This means that intentional weight loss is actually taking them in the opposite direction. And on the topic of weight cycling (ie. trying to lose weight and inevitably gaining it back), it tends to increase the risk of heart disease, mortality, some forms of cancer, and disordered eating.

Additionally, if you are restricting, rebound-eating (bingeing), or avoiding certain foods, it can result in physical symptoms like bloating, cramps, poor digestion, acne, and hormonal imbalances, because disordered eating effects your GI tract and many other systems in the body. These symptoms tend to be worse in the presence of foods you’re particularly anxious about.

Despite what diet culture tells you, it is less about what you eat, and more about how you eat.

When we are in a state of panic and anxiety around food and weight, we are activating the sympathetic nervous system which engages our flight or fight stress responses. We need this part of our nervous system to get away from danger, as well as to get out of bed in the morning and play, and go out and find food. When we get hungry, we feel agitated and that response of agitation mobilizes us to find food. When we override these feelings, our bodies continue to simulate the stress responses, which are amplified by our internal rumination, and over time this impacts our digestion.

The more stressed we are, the harder it is for our food to digest. If we are in this state for a long time, the sympathetic response may go into a dorsal response which is akin to a collapsed state. The digestive system may no longer work in this state which can lead to constipation, poor nutrient absorption, and a holding onto any food that comes in.

Ultimately, the nervous system must feel safe in order to digest food properly, and the proper digestion can only happen when the nervous system is in a relaxed, balanced and calm state.

It seems like attempting to lose weight causes more pain in the long run - and that’s the physical pain that comes with it, not to mention how it can impact on one’s emotional and mental well-being, focus, drive, career, passion, purpose, relationship and social dynamics, and spiritual/deeper connection to life. The messages of weight loss are enchanting, promising euphoric feelings and great rewards, while hiding the consequences.

What is also hidden are the systems in which the traditional health and wellness model are based upon which are ableist, racist, ageist, sexist, classist, and exclusionary. It only serves to reinforce and hold up the body hierarchy that already exists. And we know over the generations that the ideal body and hierarchy have changed over the years - just like trends.

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…and now for a quick historical timeline

In the Paleolithic era, the ideal body was a woman who was curvy plus more. Featuring large breasts, large hips and a healthy stomach, it is clear that a good body equaled one that could bear many children and be strong enough to survive any environmental condition.

Enter Ancient Greece where women were portrayed with largish hips, full breasts, and a not-quite-flat stomach. During this time, there was a quest to identify the perfect, mathematical, symmetrical physical form.

In the early Renaissance era women were curvy, pale with slightly flushed cheeks, and soft, round faces. Sensuality, beauty, and fertility were highlighted in the female form.

Jumping forward to the turn of the century, to the 1890's which brought about the Gibson girl. The Gibson girl was an illustration by Charles Gibson who was attempting to define a beautiful woman of the age. She was pale, wore a tight corset, and the trend towards a thinner ideal was beginning. Spoiler alert: The Gibson girl was not actually a real person.

Between the 50s-60s saw life after the depression and World War II, and America was making money for the first time in years. People were in the mood to celebrate, and with that indulgence came a slightly fuller appearance. The hourglass figure was sought after and a large bust was strongly encouraged.

Over the course of the 60s-90s, culture began to shift. People wanted more than a house and car, and to be a housewife. Young people rebelled against the constricting ways of '50s and in came Twiggy. Just when it seemed like the ideal body couldn't get any thinner, Kate Moss came along to give Twiggy a run for "skinniest model of all time". With waif, heroin chic models in vogue, the '90s presented the thinnest feminine ideal in history.

What’s important to remember is that most historical standards of beauty were based on a drawing, a painting or construction of a man's fantasy. Now, all we have to do is add some Photoshop, making already-tiny models look unattainably perfect. 100% invented. 100% man-made. 100% social construct. 100% temporary ideal.

As we challenge oppressive beauty standards and body ideals and work on our individual and collective relationships with food and our bodies, it is also crucial to understand that those beliefs didn't just spring from thin air; they are rooted in other oppressive systems that need to be dismantled.

Freeing our body from food and weight rules means an undoing of patriarchy, sexism, racism, transphobia, and ableism. This work is intersectional.

When we “fail” at diets, let us remember that diets are entrenched in systems of oppression that are stem beyond the individual. And along with that, they are designed to fail (remember that 90%).

When we are engaging in something that is inherently oppressive and ineffective, it is not a failure of “willpower,” but a failure of diets themselves.

See if you can guide your own choices and strengthen your resolve, and anchor into self-compassion and compassion for others who are caught up in the diet cycle.

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the wellness diet

The Wellness Diet (coined by Christy Harrison) refers to the sneaky, modern guise of diet culture that we see today that is supposedly about “wellness” but is actually about “performing a rarefied, perfectionistic, discriminatory idea of what health is supposed to look like.”

It may seem like weight loss isn’t the goal, however thinness is essential to fitting into the Wellness Diet’s idea of health, including youthfulness, whiteness, fitness and physical ability, and wealth. It also includes eating the “right” things and so clean eating, detoxes, panic over gluten and grains, and elimination diets are all part of the package. Demonizing some foods and styles whilst elevating others is the norm and can leave people to feel ashamed and hyper-vigilant of their food choices.

The Wellness Diet can easily slip into orthorexia, a type of eating disorder characterized by an obsession with healthy eating. This indeed happened to me and thus it seems like this form of “healthy eating” can put our mental health at risk.

And as we have explored already, the increased imposed and self-judgements that people feel about their bodies and their food choices leads to weight stigma which is actually a bigger determinant of health than actual weight or eating habits. This means that when we feel bad about ourselves it does more harm to our overall health compared to eating “unhealthy foods” and feeling good, worthy and content with who we are.

Whilst some folks with certain health conditions (e.g. celiac disease) will certainly benefit from making some changes to what they eat, most of us would benefit by exploring how disordered eating may be playing a role in our health and well-being.

Placing more emphasis on our food choices doesn’t lead to more improved health outcomes but rather a greater preoccupation and anxiety around food and our health.

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a note on a changing body

A changing body means a deviation from what diet culture has deemed as acceptable. It can be so hard to accept the changes in our weight, shape and size because at the core, we all want is to belong.

To deviate from the accepted norm causes a deep-seated fear within us: a fear that we will be rejected and abandoned. It is natural to want to belong. It is unfair however to feel like we don’t belong based on our external appearance.

Weight changes, body changes, appearance changes - change is a part of human experience. Body weight naturally fluctuates for a range of intersecting, complex reasons.

Attempting to keep your body at a precise weight to feel safe, okay and secure, means you will be investing an incredible amount of time and energy.

Body weight is less controllable than diet culture tells you.

When your weight changes and you perceive it as negative, be curious about it, rather than immediately attempting to take control and bashing yourself down with “It’s my fault, I’m a failure”.

And a note on double standards: The “Dad Bod” never opened up to the “Mom Bod”. And why is that?

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moving away from diets results in a looking inwards

Over and above the fact that diets don’t work, they also steal our energy, focus and spark. Whilst we spend all the time that we have on planning meals, exercising, avoiding social gathering, comparing bodies and other people’s food choices, we no longer have the mental space to do things that we value and truly enjoy.

Diet culture keeps us from living in alignment with our values. It robs us from our creative energy. It clogs up our capacity to live out our purpose. Opportunities to help and serve the world pass us by.

If you were no longer dieting or wrapped up in body shame, what would you do with your time, space, money and mental energy?

As we separate ourselves from diet culture, we find that there is more time for self-reflection. There is a movement from an external orientation to an internal orientation. In this process, we may find our own internalised fat phobia and weight bias, which are crucial to face and reflect on as we free ourselves from the grips of diet culture.

The more we go inwards, we will come up against and can look at self-limiting beliefs, self-judgements, feelings towards our bodies (shame, guilt, anger), and become clear on our values and virtues, and our passions and purpose. Rather than trying to be perfect and polished, we can be human, real and vulnerable.

Like any addiction, and eating disorder is the belief in something external (something outside) can fix suffering that we feel within. We cannot solve the problem of addiction with addictive thinking. Recovery is a true overhaul of change of internal beliefs, thoughts, emotions and actions. The only way out of diet culture, eating disorders and disordered eating is through, that is the entanglements that got you there in the first place.

Connect with the Why – why do you want to recover, and what will it take for the eating disorder to let go of you?

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do you feel the call to step out of diet culture?

Moving away from diet culture can be challenging especially when we are all already swimming in it. But if you feel called, with the practice of self-compassion and equanimity, ask yourself: How does your current relationship with food and body affect you (mentally, emotionally, physically)?

Can you envision a life free from fixation on food or weight? What does that life look like, and how do you feel living that life? What do you gain from letting diet culture go?

It is normal to feel uncertain or ambivalence. You may want freedom with food but worried about weight stigma, your health, letting go of control, or unpacking trauma.

We go in gently, slowly and with support, acknowledging that change happens through the stages of precontemplation (unaware change in possible), contemplation (pondering, gathering information), preparation (asking questions, trying on ideas), action (implementing new beliefs, thoughts and actions), and maintenance (doing what it takes to integrate this change). Change is a process. Stay for the process.

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what to do instead of dieting

Let’s go over some grounding principles and resources that can be helpful when moving away from diet culture.

1. When feeling the anxiety around food or weight arise, zoom out. Pay attention to what you’re zooming in on, then relax the mind and zoom out. Say to yourself: “The story I am telling myself is…”

2. When you feel you’re going down the eating disorder rabbit hole, ask yourself: “Who would I be without this thought? Is this narrative true? What evidence do I have for it? How does it feel in my body to be free from this thought?”

3. Explore an array of self-care rituals that you find enjoyable, doable, balanced, have short and long-term benefits, and work towards the cultivation of the true self. Approach this list in an encouraging way rather than a pushy way. Allow the self-care rituals to evolve over time and meet you where you are at; hold it all lightly.

4. Work with the eating disorder from a bottom-up approach.

5. Keep in mind that body acceptance is a continuous process. We don’t have to love our bodies but we can accept them, or sometimes just feel neutral towards them.

6. Appreciate your body for their part in achieving your life accomplishments.

7. Find ways to connect with and honour your true self.

8. Find an individualized and holistic approach to recovery and health.

9. Create a daily practice to inspire, empower, and elevate you. Choose a daily practice that is grounded in genuine teachings that you resonate with.

10. Choose people, places, and positive activities that reflect the changes you wish to see in your life.

11. Open up to accepting help and support from positive people and loved ones.

12. Create healthy habits and rituals and make conscious decisions.

13. Listen to the body. Listening to the body is a skill many of us need to develop. Most of us experience the body through the mind which is less reliable. Listening to the body can be difficult if you have experienced trauma where the body is perceived as an unsafe place. Acknowledge where you are at with kindness and patience. I like to remember that the body doesn’t speak my primary language and so I listen in a different way, paying attention to sensations, senses, and shifts. You can respond to your body and its sensations by placing a hand gently on that area with a sense of nurture, warmth and care. If touch is too much, you can call to mind a comforting memory or emotion.

14. You don’t owe anyone an explanation for your eating or your body. Changing the subject, deflecting with a question or compliment, and/or simply leaving the room are all good ways to set boundaries.

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I support and cheer each one of you who are doing this deep work. Here’s dismantling diet culture, reclaiming our bodies, finding peace and freedom with food, and committing to our heart’s calling and our soul’s purpose.

Here’s to your body of work,

Francesca Rose

Photo Unsplash

Dropping Out of Diet Culture this 2021

It's that of time of the year where all the conversations seem to funnel into the classic end of year weight talk and body commenting.

As we approach the end of 2021, many of us will engage in gatherings with festive meals. During these festivities, it can be challenging, especially if you have working on making peace with food and your body, as comments around what to eat, not to eat, weight gain, weight loss, and everything in between swirls around the table. It can be super hard if the comments are directed about your body. This can leave us feeling objectified, judged, and shamed.

If you are concerned about how your body may be perceived and received, especially when the are passing comments are about your body, here are four tips you can use in these situations:

1. Visualise the other person is in a trance. When I remember what is was like before I started this journey and ED recovery, I used to judge people's bodies all the time and would project my fears onto them. And so, in a way it is really not about you, but about them. When we judge others, we are really judging ourselves. Those who comment the most on other people's bodies are usually those who are the most concerned about theirs. It is only when we start engaging in this work that we see the trance of diet culture for what it is. We don't know what we don't know. And so if the other person genuinely does not know any other way, we can practice some compassion.

2. Do not engage. You can walk away from any conversation you do not wish to have. A conversation can only happen when both people are engaged. A conscious conversation can only happen when both people show up with an open heart and mind, and a willingness to be changed. You are perfectly entitled to walk away, stay silent, or change the subject.

3. Create boundaries and call in support. It can be helpful to make some time before entering into a space to create some energetic boundaries and call in any supports (kind and healed ancestors, your spirit guides, and power animals) to be with you, protecting you, providing you with a specific quality that you want to embody (e.g. courage, patience, tolerance, empowerment, pride etc.). You can also set a boundary by asking that your body not be commented on or that diet talk is not spoken about around you. You can do this if comes up in a conversation or as a preventative measure beforehand.

4. Address it. If you feel it is needed to counter what is being said and address it, take a breath and practice non-violent communication: "When you said...[state your observation]...I felt...[state your emotion]...because I need/value...[state your needs]...Would you be willing to...[state a concrete action]...? This is a powerful way of expressing yourself honestly and standing up for yourself, and owning your feelings (no-one can take that away from you).

This path of recovery is an inner journey that leads each of us to our true self. Whilst it's great to have support around us who "get it", we also have to remember that everyone is on their journey. Part of the healing process is also making peace with the fact that some people may never realize this ocean of diet culture that we are swimming in. Indeed, fish did not discover water. When we are enmeshed and immersed in an environment, we do not realize the dominant cultural environment. It has become normalized to the point of it being invisible.

And so we have compassion for our process and everyone else's without taking it on.

Photo by Luke Lung on Unsplash

Transformational Eating Disorder Recovery

“I don’t regret my eating disorder”, I say genuinely.

Even in those hard, painful, confusing, straining moments, for me, eating disorders and addiction are transformational experiences that hold enriching value.

The word “transformation” means change or conversion. When thinking about recovery, it is not about stopping or restricting a behaviour but rather allowing it change and transform, taking us along for the ride so that our beliefs, feelings, thoughts, behaviour and action take a new form. Grounded, sustainable change does not happen overnight.

For me, recovery is about inner personal and spiritual growth, and incremental daily, positive changes. My experience with eating disorders and addiction has lead me to believe that they lessons and offer advantages, transforming me into more of who I truly am, alive, free, appreciative, and connected.

Eating disorders are opportunities for meaningful change to occur, to discover one’s true self and to heal core wounding.

From this lens, it also means that the medicine is already inside of us. We are the medicine we seek. And that we are not broken and or need fixing; everything is already inside and we have the power to heal ourselves.

We then have the opportunity to heal ourselves in this very moment.

Have you ever imagine a life without “your” eating disorder? Have you considered the possibility of training for that day?

We never know when that day will come when we are completely released and free from the ED thoughts, behaviours and addictions. But it is possible to train for that day – whenever it will come – now.

By envisioning and embodying a life without addiction in small increments (in coaching sessions, psychedelic journeys, and in meditation, and through journaling, dance, mask work, painting, and role playing), we can train the body and mind to align to this new reality. Indeed, the well-known quote, “Fail to prepare, prepare to fail” encapsulates the importance of preparation for a new chapter. Using this time to prepare gives a window of opportunity to look at where one is at in the recovery process, and thus what is achievable in the short and long-term.

This is a chance to strategize and prepare the mindset and lifestyle through identifying resources and skills needed to transition out of addiction. There are also opportunities to prepare for what would happen should there be a relapse. Being aware of all outcomes means that one is well prepared for the journey ahead.

The idea of training for a life without an eating disorder means that we are priming the brain (the reticular activating system specifically) to start paying attention to look out for information related to recovery. This initial awareness is fundamental to the recovery path.

The quote, “the seeing is the doing” reminds us that an important aspect to starting the road to recovery is to see and observe, with compassion, what beliefs and behaviours need to change without actually having to do anything tangible. This is first step to getting to THAT day. And that day is possible.

“The seeing is the doing".”

We awaken to that day through consistently showing up. As we train more and more, it becomes easier as we lay more foundation through practice, trying, testing, evaluating. We start to see how healing is something within reach.

Psychedelics can provide a huge springboard for healing. It can take us right to the core wound or to the top of the mountain in a very short space of time. However, without solid foundation underneath this catalytic experiences, we can fall back down, and hard. Sacred plant medicines are not here to solve our problems. They are here to shine light on things we cannot see or are in denial about. When jump from one psychedelic experience to the next, chasing that rush we felt when we were at the top of the mountain, we are avoiding the integration work and using these powerful medicines as a crutch.

There is no quick fix. The work of continuing whatever was illuminated during a psychedelic or plant medicine experience is the integration.

The question is not “Can psychedelics heal eating disorders?” bur rather “What conditions can I create alongside these powerful sacred plant medicines to keep me on the road of recovery”? It is about continuing to nourish the conditions for change, whilst balancing between being present, getting out of our own way, allowing things to mature, and taking positive action steps. Life is one big integration process, peppered with small and big catalysts that spark new realisations. Psychedelics can be those catalysts and portals, but so can a relationship, a conversation, a book, a retreat, or traveling. The work is then to align with these insights through a daily, humble (sometimes challenging and mundane) integration practice. Turn the downloads into daily action.

What does integration mean to you and how do you ground insights into everyday life?

Photo by Sagar Kulkarni on Unsplash

Eating Disorders or Eating Adaptations?

Our bodies are what will help us recover. The body is a resource in the recovery process and must be resourced effectively within the recovery process.

In traditional eating disorder treatment, the body is almost completely ignored. Indeed, most therapy is top-down, talk therapy, leaving no space for the bottom-up communication of the body to be included in the dynamic. And in the ED space where there is so much body phobia, it is understandable that perhaps both the therapist and the client with the eating disorder don’t know how or desire to venture in the void of the body. And the body can feel like a void: An unknown landscape with an infinite amount of big and small feelings, desires and impulses. And yet it is also filled with intuitive wisdom and an inherent capacity to restore inner homeostasis and heal.

The body is carrying heavy imprints of the past, the trauma, and the pain of childhood in each present moment, if unacknowledged, repressed or unresolved. By working with the body we can untangle these imprints into more coherent, congruent patterns that are more life-giving, supportive and sustainable.

The eating disorder shows us where there is dysregulation or where there is a place of stuck energy. As my teachers from the Embodied Recovery Institute say: An eating disorder is a process of trying to make sense of the world, and what the body needs to survive and thrive. Eating disorders are metaphors of what is missing or what is dysregulated, and food and the body are unconsciously used to attend to whatever deficit there is in the system. And since the body is always trying to find a balance, these behaviours come into play to try rectify the imbalance.

Dysregulation implies that somewhere along the way there was a rupture in the attachment system, defense system or in the sensory process. This rupture can look like a lack of secure and consistent attachment, an inability to defend oneself or reach out for safety, or being misunderstood. I speak about this in more depth here. One can argue that an eating disorder is a coping strategy, but beyond that it is a dysregulated coping strategy, and so the eating disorder is a symbol or expression of dysregulation.

With this in mind, it’s not about the food. The food just happens to be there and is being used to signal that there is a dysregulation in one’s life. So we approach eating disorders with a lot of curiosity, and we can ask: Where on the path are you stuck? And what can we include to help support you?

An eating disorder is a smart, adaptive strategy to try get through and make sense of life. I don’t view it is an disorder. I see it as a process and clues for where help is needed. This is why I am getting all hung up by describing it as “my eating disorder”.

Having been in eating disorder recovery for 13 years, I still have yet to find the right language of how to describe what an eating disorder is. It just does not feel quite right to call it “my eating disorder”.

“My” implies that it is mine - and it’s not. On a cognitive level, I don’t want to be attached to it. It’s not part of my essence, or my Self. I didn’t consciously choose it either; it was something I unconsciously absorbed many years ago as a strategy to survive.

The words “eating disorder” also feels less resonate in my system these days. “Eating adaptation” makes more sense to me because these behaviours have over the years helped me adapt and balance out the dysregulation. When the dysregualtion was really intense and I was unable to manage the energy in and around me, the ED behaviours of restriction (anorexia), healthy eating obsessed (orthorexia) and over-exercise (exercise addiction) were fast, strong, and all-consuming. As I have discovered other regulation tools for my nervous system, the ED behaviours have naturally faded as I have learnt how to regulate and balance out my nervous system, from the inside-out. There are less adaptations I have do with food because I now implement other strategies that are more sustainable. With these new supportive foundations, the ED can rest and does not have to do so much work to manage and cope as these new tools are now doing the job.

I have found that the word “disorder” is quite stifling and implies I am out of order (something is wrong with me). And for me, my ED had its foundations in me feeling like I was wrong, or bad, or not good enough. Whilst “adaptation” on the other hand feels a lot more freeing and empowering without negating the seriousness of an eating disorder. It is a lot easier to adapt and change rather than trying to overcome an disorder.

Eating disorders (or eating adaptions) are complex and nuanced. Each person experiences them differently and at different degrees in their life. I encourage you to look at where there many be dysregulation in your attachment system, defense system and sensory processing, and find support from a group/therapist/coach who have an understanding of somatic practices from an eating disorder lens so that you can come into relationship with your body, the ultimate resource in the recovery process.

I would love to hear your thoughts on this reframe and new language. What do you think of this change in language? Do you think it could help you in your recovery path?

You deserve to be free. You are worthy of what you want. May we all rise.

Photo by Sarah Ball on Unsplash

An Embodied Approach To Eating Disorder Recovery

I am almost finished completing my Level 1 training through The Embodied Recovery Institute, an Introduction to Embodied Recovery for Eating Disorders (ERED). I have been searching for an eating disorder recovery program that includes the body as an important voice in the recovery process.

My own eating disorder recovery journey began very traditionally as a a top-down, cognitive approach. Over time, I found that talking was not enough; I was still afraid of my own body. Slowly without really realizing what I was doing, I found myself engaging in embodiment practices as a way to get to know my body and how it communicates - but without much support from anyone who was eating disorder-sensitive. When I found this training, I could not believe my luck!

We all have a relationship with food and our bodies, and at some points in our lives, we may have used food and/or our body to cope. For some of us it lasts for a phase and for some of us (like me), the coping strategies that the eating disorder provides brings so much comfort and release that it takes over and soon has a feeling like it will never, ever, go away.

It can be frustrating and triggering when we are told to just “eat normally”. Many of us know this: it is not about the food. The food is a tool to try cope, manage, and regulate. The body responds to these coping strategies, showing us where the dysregulation is happening.

This training offers a compassionate, bottom-up approach that views the body as an important resource for the healing process.

A typical eating disorder treatment process is what ERED calls a bio-psycho-social model. Here we look at recovery through pharmacology, re-feeding, nutritional rehabilitation and yoga (the bio aspect), education about emotions, CBT-style therapies, and practices that aim to change one’s thoughts to change behaviour (the pyscho aspect), and family and dynamics, one’s sense of belonging in the world, the culture, and in the family (the social aspect). There is also usually a treatment team that includes a dietician, psychiatrist, physician, and family therapist etc.

This approach emphasizes the need to get someone to eat a prescribed amount of food to achieve some BMI, eat in a “normal” way, and change or stop behaviours. It views these behaviours as responses to an attitude towards the body.

But something is missing.

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Traditional treatment does not look at how the body is expressing and communicating. We have become so focused on the mind, forgetting that if we listen to how the body is responding, we see how it is expressing a dysregulation through to the eating disorder behaviours.

From an ERED perspective, we work with the body rather than against it, bringing it into the conversation, and into relationship. We learn how to resource the body rather than it viewed as an obstacle.

When we work with the body first the body can support us in our relationship with food. From this model, anatomy, physiology, kinesiology, movement, and posture are included. The body collaborates with us (we are working together) at the physiological level to support the infrastructures that govern emotional regulation, memory, and sustained healing. This is what a bottom-up approach means.

Recovery is the practice of embodiment, not behaviour change. It is about adding. Not further restricting and subtracting.

Increasing embodiment occurs by enhancing our awareness of what is around us in our environment through our far senses (sight, sound, taste, touch, feel) and the awareness of our own body (interception, proprioception, vestibular). Embodiment is the intersection of our own awareness and our physical container; it is where our consciousness and physical body intersect. An eating disorder simply shows us where and how we are not fully embodied.

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ERED talks about three ways in which we may experience disembodiment: our sensory integration system, our attachment system, and our defense system.

sensory integration system

• Influenced by conception, birth trauma, premature birth

• Trauma, generational trauma

• Sensitivity (genetics)

• If we are sensitive, the vagal system gets overloaded, overwhelmed and starts to shut down. We then go into sympathetic or dorsal states which do not give support for effective ingestion, digestion, and elimination.

If this system is impacted, it impacts our early reflexes, resulting in sensory processing issues. This can then influence our attachment system (and visa versa). For eating disorders, we need to gently feed the senses to support ventral vagal engagement by resourcing the sensory integration system to help manage all of the information coming in. We may see restrictive eating as a tool to not feel the overload (sensory avoidant). We may see binge eating as strategy to feel something (sensory seeking). Both these responses are accommodations to regulate challenging sensory information coming in.

From this perspective, we can see how eating disorder behaviours are actually pointing us to where there is dysregulation and a window into where we are not fully embodied.

attachment system

• How we relate to food corresponds to our relational dynamics.

• How we move through the world - seeking connection or disconnection - relates to our attachment system.

• We have basic developmental movement patterns (yield, push, reach, grasp, and pull) that have either been allowed to be fully expressed or truncated through our early attachment providers.

For example, the ability to yield, that is, to rest, to just be, to allow the support to meet our body, to lean in and receive correlates to the type of attachment and nurturance we were given as babies. Yielding is crucial for ingestion. Knowing how to yield means we also know when to stop, and to not feel the need to have to jump straight into the next thing. Yielding means we know when to take in food, to allow for the whole swallow, to finish our food, to know when enough food is enough, and when to take in food again.

Being able to yield comes with the beliefs that “I am enough", “there is enough for me”, “I belong in the world”. When yield is not embodied it comes with the beliefs of not being enough, results in perfectionist pursuits, overeating, not eating at all, unaware of how much weight one is loosing, or not being able to stop exercising.

From a treatment perspective, “yield” means something unique to the dietician, bodyworker, and therapist and thus everyone is working together through their own respective fields of how to bring the client into a deeper ability to yield. Each member of the recovery team can address it as an integrated approach.

defense system

If we have not been able to complete a defense action, our nervous system is dysregulated which does not support normative eating. Digestion cannot occur when we are stuck in a dysregulated state. Trauma is thus something that fundamentally impacts us on a foundational level. Trauma truncates our attachment system that brings us into connection, keeping us separate and stuck in a hyper or hyporarousal state.

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polyvagal theory

ERED forefronts Polyvagal Theory and the window of tolerance. The vagus nerve and its functional relationship with digestion is impacted by birth trauma and attachment deficits. When we have a robust window of tolerance, we can identity hunger, our fullness, our physiological and emotional state, able to connect with others, and move between sympathetic and parasympathetic with awareness and ease. When the window is disrupted and smaller, we have to make accommodations and strategies to regulate. Eating disorders are behaviours to try be in this window of optimal arousal. This is what we call a “faux window”. As such, this regulation is an illusion.

The eating disorder are simply behavours showing us where and how we are dysregulated, the state of one’s ventral vagal, the state of relationships and physiology.

With this in mind, can we allow the body to have the space to speak? Can I speak from my body?

Let’s train the nervous system to do what it did not get to do in the early years of life. Let’s practice neuroception, what it means to feel safe , physiologically and neurobiologically. Let’s practice somatic scaffolding. Let’s examine attachment, defensive, regulatory, and co-regulatory capacities of the whole family and acknowledge the impact that our society and culture has on our sense of feeling safe.

I am excited to share more of what I am learning from the training and look forward to bring more of somatic-based approaches to eating disorder recovery.

Have in any thoughts or questions? Feel free to reach out.

With gratitude,

Francesca