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Francesca Annenberg 9/17/19 Francesca Annenberg 9/17/19

The History of Mushrooms: Ethnomycology [Part 2]

In school we learnt a lot about animals, a small sprinkle of plants and a bizarre amount about the Cold War. But what about fungi? The Fungi Kingdom exists literally everywhere on this planet: on land, in water, in the air, and on plants and animals and humans too. They vary in size from being microscopically tiny to the largest organisms on Earth, reaching several kilometres. And they have been around for a long, long time. There is fossil evidence of two mushroom remains that date back to 90 - 94 million years ago.

K. Back up. The mushrooms you see in your backyard or in the forest are basically identical to those a dinosaur would have seen in their forest!

They truly embody the concept of “if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it, mate!”.

Despite living on planet earth for a significantly large amount of time, we only know a tiny fraction on the history of mushrooms. The interwoven stories of fungi and humans are ancient and endlessly fascinating. For as long as we have lived, we have lived beside the fungi.

“Ethnomycology” is the study of the historical uses and sociological impact of fungi The term also includes the study of how fungi are used for medicine (medicinal mushrooms), food, the sociological influences (myth, shamanic and spirituality) and in the context of the study of psychoactive mushrooms.

Mushrooms in the Archaeological Record

Let’s take a quick road down memory lane to see where our friendly shroom alliances have graced us with their presence.

Tassili n'Ajjer

A national park (UNESCO's World Heritage Site) in the Sahara desert, located in Algeria, not only has some of the most important groupings of prehistoric cave art in the world, but several artwork depicting mushrooms and mushroom-covered humanoids. These are the oldest artistic representations of mushrooms that we know of and date back between 7,000 – 9,000 years ago.

Ötzi the Iceman

The well-preserved body of a man was found in the Ötztal Alps, on the border of Italy and Austria, in 1991. He is Europe’s oldest known human mummy, having lived 5,000 - 5,400 years ago. Among his possessions were two different species of mushrooms, one that was known to be anti-parasitic and the other used to help make fire. Smart man. You check out his Insta profile here ;)

Mushroom Stones

Hundreds of carved stones from the Mayan culture of Central America feature human and animal figures, like jaguars, with mushroom caps growing out of their heads. These stones are over 2500 years old. I went down a rabbit hole upon finding this article that is all about mushroom stones from the Guatemala Highlands and beyond. You’re welcome.

Chinese Medicine

Mushrooms have been used in traditional Chinese medicine (TCM) for centuries, used in both herbal medicine and nutritional applications, for the purposes of well-being and longevity. The Chinese recognize six basic types of medicinal mushrooms, according to colour: white, red, purple, black, blue, and green. These colours correspond to different parts of the body and resonate with various diseases. For example, red is for the heart, black is tor the kidneys, and green is for the liver and gallbladder.

Lingzhi mushroom (aka reishi), helps fight inflammation, strengthen immunity, improve cognition and keeps blood flowing.

Today, mushrooms are indeed having their (magic) moment. Mushroom teas, elixirs, superfood powders, chocolates and coffee have all quickly sprouted up in the health aisles. There’s an annual mushroom-dedicated festival in Telluride, Colorado that celebrates the latest in psychedelic, culinary, and medicinal mycology. Take a look at what they get up to. Trust me, the pictures are so worth it! Denver, a six hour drive from Telluride has become the first city in America to decriminalize psilocybin mushrooms. Johns Hopkins Medicine announced its new Center for Psychedelic and Consciousness Research, which will study compounds like LSD and psilocybin for a range of mental health problems, including anorexia, addiction and depression. A group of private donors has given $17 million to kick start the center, making it what is believed to be the largest research center of its kind in the world.

So what does this mean for us today? Well over and above all of this being super duper fascinating (if you got this far, you’re certainly interested), it’s clear that mushrooms have been around since the good ‘ol days and have played a monumental role from skyrocketing cultures into higher states of consciousness to keeping us grounded and healthy against parasites and warm with fire.

It seems then that without mushrooms, we wouldn’t be here.

If you didn’t catch my introductory article on Healing with Medicinal Mushrooms, head here.

Special thanks to Harmonic Mycology for the continuous inspiration and assistance!

References:

Photo by Tania Alieksanenko on Unsplash

http://www.davidmoore.org.uk/Sec01_01.htm

https://www.mushroomstone.com/mycolatry101.htm

http://www.dl.begellhouse.com/journals/708ae68d64b17c52,0d0f121956dd501b,185479042f290e6d.html

https://hub.jhu.edu/2019/09/04/hopkins-launches-psychedelic-center/

Mycelium is Medicine zine, Harmonic Mycology

Francesca Annenberg 9/2/19 Francesca Annenberg 9/2/19

Healing with Medicinal Mushrooms: An Introduction [Part 1]

Right so what are mushrooms? They aren’t animals and they aren’t plants either. Crikey. What’s going here, people?!

Mushrooms actually have their own kingdom, aka the Fungi Kingdom. You can pronounce “Fungi” in any way that tickles your fancy: Funguy, Funjie, Fungee, or Fenjee. However it rolls off your tongue is right.

Why is it called “fungus” (singular - “fungi” is plural), you ask? Well the fungus is the entire organism that includes the mycelium (roots) and the mushroom (fruit). Just to throw a little spanner in the works, some fungi don’t produce fruiting bodies. So while all mushrooms are fungi, not all fungi produce mushrooms.

To further clarify, mushrooms are all about reproduction; they are the fungal architecture for creating and releasing spores. Willoughby Arevalo, author of DIY Mushroom Cultivation: Growing Mushrooms at Home for Food, Medicine and Soil, refers to them as: "temples of sex". So in comparison with plants, mushrooms are somewhat similar in function to flowers.

If you remember learning about mushrooms at school, you probably recall them lumped into the plant kingdom because, well, they don’t move and they grow out of the ground. Must be plants right? Wrong. They probably are more similar to animals physiologically and genetically, in the sense that they aren’t producers like plants and must use external food sources for energy. They also have chitin which forms part of the cell walls, similar to the exoskeletons of insects. The plot thickens (or should we say hardens, in the case of exoskeletons, or chewier in the land of mushrooms).

There are 5.1 million species of fungi which is just crazy talk. But it’s also real talk. And now time for some more real talk. Did you know that humans share the same DNA - about 30% - with fungi, which is far more than what we share with plants? We’re basically cousins.

We. Are. A. Quarter. Mushroom. OMG. I’m beyond thrilled.

If you had to name your mushroom cousin, what would you name it? There are some hilarious mushroom names out there Gem-Studded Puffball, The Devil’s Cigar, Hairy Parachute, Hairy Nuts Disco, Fingered Candlesnuff and Hot Lips.

I am you. You are me. We’re all part of the mushroom family.

When we see shrooms sticking out of the ground, we are only seeing the tip of the iceberg, for essentially all that is exposed is the fruiting body (ie. the mushroom). What goes down under the soil is a whole other world of communication between mushrooms, bacteria and trees. Woven through the soil are the mycelia which extend out from their mushrooms and hunt for the water and nutrients they require to thrive. Lacing through the soil, mycelium creates vast networks found everywhere in the ground.

FYI: The largest organism in the world is a mycelial mat. It covers 2400 acres in Oregon and is 2200 years old. All connected. All sharing the same root system. And it’s only one-cell wall thick.

Underground there is a whole communication structure whereby the mycelia are not only in communication with one another but they also chinwag and share food with trees and bacteria. For example, sugar is given to the fungi from the trees, while the fungi offer water and minerals in return.

Can’t all humans be as generous?

So why all this talk on mushrooms?

Over the last two years, my interest in mushrooms has steadily peaked after a few personal experiences with psilocybin mushrooms (aka magic mushrooms) and how they assisted a great deal in helping me heal parts of my eating disorder. I then started looking into medicinal, non-psycoactive mushrooms, like lions mane, reishi, shiitake and cordyceps to support and improve my overall well-being. I wanted to learn, experiment and experience the adaptogenic powers of the shroom.

And when I came across Harmonic Mycology, a fungi-loving duo from Cape Town, South Africa, I knew I had met the right people to learn from. So I messaged and was like, “hey, want to to collaborate? I wanna learn about the complex complexities of fungi.” They were keen. And off we went.

This post marks the first of many. I will be sharing my experiences over the coming months as I try out various medicinal mushrooms from Harmonic Mycology’s product range, share the history of our shroom cousins and anything else that I find interesting along the way.

I hope you join me for the ride.

To read how magic shrooms have helped me recover from my eating disorder, head here.

Read about my hilarious experience with lions mane.

Photoes by Atik sulianami, Nico Benedickt, Greg Rosenke on Unsplash

Francesca Annenberg 9/1/19 Francesca Annenberg 9/1/19

Chocolate Beetroot Vegan Smoothie Bowl

Oh my beeting heart, this smoothie bowl makes me weak at the knees. So you’ve most probably had raw beets in your salad, or chowed them roasted in a wrap or even on a pizza, but how about in your smoothie bowl? Beetroot powder has become one of my fave things to include in my breakfasts. Not only does it make the colour pop but it has some health benefits too. It’s a powerful superfood and full of antioxidants, vitamins and minerals all contained in its impressive pigment that supports health across the entire body.

Beetroot powder: Dynamite comes in small jars.

Like the whole beetroot veg, the powder has the same benefits but is in a highly concentrated form. Just one teaspoon of your average beetroot powder is the equivalent of an entire beet! Jeepers!

Beetroot powder is heart protective, keeps your blood pressure in check, fights inflammation, improves digestive help, supports brain health, improves athletic performance and fights against cancer.

Don’t like beets? No problem. You can barely taste it in this recipe ;)

In the blender includes beets, berries and bananas!

With the earthy tones from the beetroot, the euphoric chocolate goodness emanating from the cacao, the date sweetness, the banana creaminess, the berry fruitiness, and the slight zing zing from the ginger, this vegan breakfast smoothie bowl is out of this world. Give it a try and let me know what you think!

This smoothie bowl is 100% vegan and raw, gluten-free, refined sugar-free, nut-free, super duper easy to make, creamy, dreamy and has a lovely little vegetable in it too.

Ingredients

3 frozen bananas

1-2 cups frozen berries

1/2 cup non-dairy milk (omit if you want the texture to be thicker, like ice cream)

3 dates

1 Tbsp beetroot powder

1 Tbsp raw cacao powder

1 tsp cinnamon

A tiny knob of ginger, peeled (optional)

A few drops of vanilla essence

Edible flowers and cacao nibs, for garnish

Method

It’s so simple. All you need to do is throw everything in a blender and wizz, wizz away! Add more non-dairy milk (or water) to thin it out. If you prefer, leave out the liquid all together for a thicker, denser nice cream. You may need a food processor in this instance.
Go wild and top your bowl with your favourite toppings! Some other yummy toppings include coconut yoghurt, hazelnuts, chia seeds, coconut shreds or dried mulberries.

This beauty beet bowl calls after you. Be true to your heart.

Pictures by Sally Mackay Photography.

Francesca Annenberg 8/21/19 Francesca Annenberg 8/21/19

Easy Raw Vegan Brownie Cake

This brownie is dense, decadent and simply divine. It takes only a few minutes to make, a few hours to freeze, and a few seconds to gobble down! I ate almost all of it when I was on the first day of my period. It worked. It was great.

Ever wondered why you may crave chocolate when you’re on your period? The science goes like this: During the early part of the menstrual cycle, we (us wonderful women) experience higher hormones levels that cause an increase in insulin. Insulin regulates our blood glucose levels. The higher levels of insulin results in low blood sugar - and this is why we sometimes crave something sweet. It’s our body’s natural way to balance hormones. Additionally, our hormonal changes can leave us feeling tired, which is why we reach for our fave comfort foods. It’s our body’s natural way of feeling safe and nurtured.

So…. your cravings are totally normal and totally ok!

Step into the light. This where the cacao magic happens.

Now, on to the recipe!

I’ll be honest and say that I didn’t measure the ingredients 100%, so you may have to play around a bit to get to the texture you prefer. If it’s too sticky, add more nuts (and possibly almond or coconut flour). If it’s too dry, add more dates and some water.

FYI , if you’re interested, this brownie cake is 100% vegan, raw, free from refined sugars, gluten-free, incredibly chocolately, amazingly sweet (in the best way) and easy to make. All you need is a blender, a freezer and some good tunes while you make them in the background.

Let’s get stuck in.

Ingredients

2 cups walnuts

1 cup almonds

2-3 cups dates (soaked in hot water)

3/4 cup cacao powder

3 Tbsp cacao nibs (plus more for topping)

1 Tbsp coconut oil

A pinch of salt

Method

Blend the 1.5 cups of walnuts and all of the almonds in a blender or food processor.
Add in the rest of the ingredients. Keep the 1/2 cup of walnuts aside. Blend until smooth. Taste and adjust sweetness.
Line a round container with baking paper. Scoop out 3/4 of the brownie cake mixture into the container. Add in the rest of the walnuts by breaking them into smaller pieces with your hands. Add the rest of the brownie mixture over it.
Set in the freezer overnight. Then transfer to the fridge. Enjoy enjoy enjoy!

This is chocolate brownie heaven. Welcome to the tribe.

Pictures by Sally Mackay Photography.

Francesca Annenberg 7/31/19 Francesca Annenberg 7/31/19

10 Things You Should Rather Say To Someone With An Eating Disorder

I received a few requests after sharing my article, 10 Things You Shouldn’t Say To Someone With An Eating Disorder, to comment on what we should rather say to people who are in recovery from an eating disorder - or any addiction for that matter. I spent some time reminiscing about the comments, made to me by friends and family that stood out and have given me hope to continue walking towards recovery .

For those who have never experienced an eating disorder, it can be tricky to navigate what is ok to say and what is triggering. Sometimes an innocent statement can be damaging to one’s recovery, while other comments that may seem small and inconsequential can have resounding and powerful ripples on one’s psyche.

Recovery from anorexia, orthorexia, binge eating, bulimia and addiction is different for everyone, and what resonates with one person may not impact on another. However, I wish to share some comments that truly helped and supported me on my path to recovery. Only through a deeper understanding can we bring compassion. I hope this simple list provides some insight into what can light up someone’s world.

“I acknowledge your suffering and am sorry for your pain.”

This comment is better than saying, “I know what it feels like - I went on a crazy diet once.” If you have never experienced an eating disorder, you don’t know what it feels like. People experience consuming, obsessive thoughts, exhausting rules and rituals, anxiety, fatigue, starvation, isolation, extremely low self-worth, depression and a disinterest in pursuing dreams and passions. Rather acknowledge the person’s pain just as it is rather than trying to relate to it or even offer advice like “All you have to do is eat more!”

“You are capable.”

When we’re in a state of contraction and fear, we forget our inherent power and capacity for transformation. When I was living small, literally and spiritually, my self worth was rock bottom. The thought that I could do anything great wasn’t even a consideration anymore. This a reminder of that internal force that can be used for good and for healing, and gives us a nudge towards a sense of empowerment.

“What do you want to achieve in life?”

Sometimes we need to get out of our heads and to stop thinking small. While it may seem like our entire lives revolve around food and our bodies, a thought like this gives us a moment to think big and see the perspective of our lives. Too often, our dreams have been engulfed by the preoccupation of our eating disorder.

I love your laugh.”

This comment always used to touch me. When I was really deep in my eating disorder and incredibly sad and dull, those moments of joy and laughter were rare. In the same way that I wasn’t giving myself pleasure through food and nourishment, I couldn’t give myself pleasure through simply laughing.

I believed that I could only attain joy through suffering.

I sometimes didn’t feel I had the permission to be happy or that I didn’t deserve to feel joy, so when someone pointed out my laugh, it reminded me of my forgotten light and was a comforting moment that I was allowed to have fun. Laughter is what brings us together and lights up our internal world. It’s so important for one’s healing. Encourage your loved ones in recovery to do more of it.

“It would be so nice to have you join us.”

I am so grateful for those people who stuck by me through thick and thin. Even when I was moody and anxious, my friends would still invite me out. It may be a drag to invite your friend or family member out or to a gathering but it’s important that they still have human connection. Sometimes I had to be forced out; it was much easier to stay at home and mope around, but being out the house allowed me to get out of my head and enjoy myself. Having a supportive network saved me.

“I am here for you through thick and thin.”

Even if you don’t know how you will be there for your loved one, those five words can mean everything. You will know how to be there for them when the time comes. Expressing your unconditional love and support is one of the kindest gestures you can give regardless of where the person is on their recovery path. Depending on your relationship with person, you may have to set boundaries. If you don’t feel like you can be there for them, that’s ok. Maybe later down the line you can. Talking to a therapist for assistance on how to word this in a loving and constructive way may be helpful.

“What does your soul say is important to you?”

Again, this is one of those big picture thinking questions. It immediately takes the eating disorder out of the picture because the eating disorder is not part of the soul. An eating disorder is a learned coping mechanism - that can be unlearned too. The person in recovery may not be able to answer it at first. When one’s life is clouded by limiting beliefs and obsessive thoughts around food, exercise and body, trying to get to the soul’s calling may not be accessible. If an answer doesn’t come, I wouldn’t recommend pushing for an answer. Perhaps suggest they journal about it or relook it at a later stage. Maybe in a few weeks or months you can bring it up again if the moment calls for it.

“I know you don’t want this, and I don’t hold you personally responsible.”

I didn’t choose to have an eating disorder. I didn’t wake up one day and decide to start restricting and turning my life into a misery. It was a slow burn with things getting worse over time. I felt guilty and ashamed for the pain I caused my parents and for the money they spent when sending me into a clinic despite them never showing any resentment towards me. It is helpful to explicitly reaffirm that as a parent or friend, you don’t blame the person in recovery for their struggles or relapse. Empathy. Important.

“What’s the best way for me to support you right now?”

Everyone experiences addiction and their eating disorder journey differently and as such it’s a good idea to ask what the person needs instead of assuming. It may be emotional support such expressing encouraging or simply listening. It may be practical like attending a group therapy session with them or supervising a meal.

“If only you could see yourself the way I can.”

I have been told this a few times in my life and each time it impacts me deeply. I want to know: “What do you see?! Tell me!” Of course even they did tell me, I probably wouldn’t have believed them. If we can’t see it, we can’t see it. However, a comment like this reminds us to look deeper within, to trust more, to live more courageously and authentically, to express, and to expand without fear. This comment has saved me many times. Say it often.

Ultimately you are not responsible for other people’s wellness and their recovery. At the end of the day, it is up to a person to actively chose recovery and to make use of the professional support offered by therapists, groups and dietitians. Just as you cannot blame the person for their eating disorder, you can’t condemn yourself either. Lastly, don’t forget to take care of yourself. If things are feeling a bit overwhelming consider reaching out for professional help, like talking to a counselor who specializes in eating disorders and addiction. It may feel like you are alone in this but there are many people who are willing to help.

For more information on eating disorders, please check out the following links:

For a reflection on what it feels like to have an eating disorder, read What Recovery Feels Like.

To gain an understanding on what it sounds like inside a head of someone with an ED, read This Is My Eating Disorder Speaking.

For tips on how to overcome an eating disorder, check out 31 Tips On Overcoming An Eating Disorder.

To understand what an eating disorder relapse feels like, read Falling Into Relapse And Getting Out.

Francesca Annenberg 7/18/19 Francesca Annenberg 7/18/19

10 Things You Shouldn't Say To Someone With An Eating Disorder

Having been in recovery for over ten years, I have been on the receiving end of countless comments. Usually the other person is trying to give an encouraging compliment, but if you’ve never been inside the head of someone with an eating disorder, even the most well-meaning comments can backfire and be triggering.

Recovery is a full-time job, taking an enormous amount of mental, emotional and physical energy each day, at every meal, every minute. While on the outside an eating disorder can seem to be associated with food and weight, it is about so much more. An eating disorder is a mental illness which often revolves around fear of change, fear of authentically relating with others and fear of losing control.

Recovery is unique to everyone, however, there are some general comments that one should avoid around someone who is battling with anorexia, orthorexia, binge eating, bulimia and the like, in order to best support their path to recovery:

“Wow, you’ve put on weight! You’re looking great!”

First rule. Don’t comment on weight. Period. Statements like “you’re looking so great/healthy/radiant/better”, which are oftentimes well intended, are usually just twisted into insults like “you’re looking so fat.”

“You’ve lost weight. Are you ok?”

Again, this is another weight comment and should be avoided. When I was battling hard with my anorexia and orthorexia, this was a compliment. It validated my efforts at losing weight. I felt powerful, unstoppable and acknowledged. It would result in me having some form of a relapse. Best to avoid.

“Doesn’t that have too many calories?”

People in recovery are relearning how to intuitively eat. It is considered a victory and positive step in one’s recovery when they are able to reach for something they genuinely feel like eating. If they eat something that you consider “unhealthy”, this is considered a projection. When there already is so much shame around food, rather celebrate this moment than demonize and make the other person feel guilty for their food choices.

“Just eat it.”

While the goal is to be able to eat anything at any time without fear, it can usually take many attempts at eating in public, or in a group, and certain foods, before the person feels at ease. Everyone is on their own timeline so rather than forcing the situation or food on the person in recovery, give them space and gentle encouragement. When I was in a clinic, we would go on “challenge outings” and eat “challenge foods”. When done in a structured and understanding environment with professional support, progress will be made. Be patient.

“Oh, but you’re not thin enough to have an eating disorder.”

While one may lose weight, or gain weight, eating disorders can affect anyone regardless of age, gender, race, class and size. Eating disorders are characterized by the use of food to cope, not one’s body size. It’s about control. It’s about fear of living a full life. It’s about trying conform. It’s about numbing out from emotions and connection with others. It’s about pain and shame. Someone may not look like they have an eating disorder but mentally could be severely struggling with body image and obsessive food thoughts. It’s what happens on the inside that matters.

“All you have to do is eat more.”

Ok no. This is a very single minded approach. This is like telling an alcoholic to give up drinking overnight. Eating disorder recovery is so much more than that. While recovery includes a new approach to food, it also takes on the form of professional therapy, a change in exercise, a revaluation of how one relates to others and so much more. I had to travel, move cities, attend women’s circles, go off the pill and change my life path to help me get back on track. Recovery is a massive body of work that touches on all aspects of one’s life.

“Sheeesh, if only I had the same discipline as you.”

When I received a comment like this, it only added more fuel to my steadfast, restrictive and rigid control over food and exercise. It made me feel utterly invincible and better than anyone else. I felt like a superhero. An eating disorder is an illness and I wouldn’t wish it upon anyone. I wouldn’t want anyone to struggle with obsessive thoughts screaming in your head, the exhausting rituals, the anxiety dreams of food and the shaky climb into bed and nervous and starving wake up. It ain’t glamorous. This perceived “discipline” is actually someone who is totally out of control.

“You’re really skinny….”

This statement only used to fuel my identification of being the thin girl. I didn’t know who I was without it. I couldn’t imagine a life not being thin. The size of my body was the only thing I was. Rather focus on the qualities that make up the person. There is so much more that meets they eye and usually people who are sick and deep in their eating disorder have forgotten just how amazing they are!

“Are you better now?”

I didn’t break my arm. I can’t take some magic pill or wrap my brain in a cast. Recovery from any eating disorder - anorexia, orthorexic, binge eating, bulimia etc - is non-linear. It’s like the peeling of a cry-inducing onion. In my recovery, which has been ongoing since 2009, I have taken steps forward and steps back. I have gone off the path entirely too. Eating disorders have the highest rate of mortality than any mental illness. There is no quick fix and for some people there is no fix at all.

“Why worry about your weight. You have the perfect life.”

I grew up in a supportive and stable home, with many friends and tons of hobbies to fill my time. Yet I have an eating disorder. But I didn’t choose it, and I certainly didn’t choose it to get attention either. This mental illness can result from a number of things, including genetics, past traumatic events, exposure to media, remarks from peers and family, and the environment. With the “right” combination of factors, the “perfect storm” for an individual, is created. A comment like this only leaves the person with an eating disorder to feel more guilt and shame, the two biggest emotions they are trying to face and overcome.

Eating disorders do not discriminate.

Francesca Annenberg 7/3/19 Francesca Annenberg 7/3/19

Vegan Retreat Recipes From The Drakensberg, South Africa

Earlier this year, I cooked on a movement and meditation retreat out in Lotheni, in the central Drakensberg mountain range. Surrounded by mountains for miles, the Drakensberg is home to magnificent animals like leopards, jackals, eland, baboons and eagles. One can experience all weather seasons within a day and traverse open plains, thick forests and ice cold waterfalls. Green velvet grass carpets the hills while the Milky Way swirls in the sky above. The Berg is where I feel whole, grounded, creative, connected and full of love.

It was the most perfect place for me to have fun in the kitchen and nurture eight beautiful, moving humans for four days! What a gift! All the recipes created on the retreat were 100% vegan, wholefoods and rustic in nature. This was because the cottage in which we all slept didn’t have electricity. The meals were created in a gas oven or on a gas stove. With no blender to go by, sauces were whisked together by hand and ingredients were roughly chopped to form salsas and dressings. Simplifying in this way made the retreat that much more special as it got me out of my comfort zone, drove me to get creative with the meal planning and required me to trust!

During the day, we were immersing ourselves in movement and dance with live music, meditation, basic acrobatics, partner movement work, getting into the mountain, going on hikes, swimming in the icy rivers, eating by the fire, discussing the history of the area and learning about Bushmen art and culture. This retreat was organised by my dear friend, Dave Gardner. Music performed by the legend, Guy Buttery. Pictures and moments all captured by Doug Mostert.

I’ve included a few recipes from the retreat below. Happy cooking!

OVERNIGHT CACAO CHIA SEED PUD and BEETROOT COYO

Chocolate chia seed pudding with pink beetroot coconut yoghurt

Ingredients

Serves 1

For the Chia Seed Pudding

1 cup unsweetened almond milk

⅓ cup chia seeds

1 banana, mashed

1 Tbsp maple syrup

1 Tbsp cacao powder

Sprinkle vanilla essence

To Serve

1 Tbsp nut butter

A sprinkle of beetroot powder and seeds

A dollop of coconut yoghurt, mixed with 1 tsp of beetroot powder

Fresh papaya, sliced in half and deseeded

Method

Mix the chia seed ingredients together. Refrigerate for at least four hours, but preferably overnight. Serve chilled with desired toppings, including your favourite nut butter, pink coconut yoghurt and fruit!

OVERNIGHT BIRCHER OATS

Creamy and spiced overnight oats with stewed apples and pears, dried fruit and seeds.

Ingredients

Serves 3

For the Bircher Oatmeal

2 cups rolled oats

3 cups almond milk + water as needed

2 apples, grated

2 bananas, mashed

Juice of 1 orange

¼ cup chia seeds

A small knob of ginger

1 Tbsp maple syrup

1 Tbsp cacao nibs (optional)

1 Tbsp nut butter

1-2 tsp cinnamon / apple pie spice mixture

1-2 seeds

A few drops of vanilla essence

For the Stewed Fruit

4 apples, sliced

A handful of raisins

Cinnamon

To serve

Nut butter and seeds

Banana slices and chopped dried fruit (I used dates and apricots)

Method

To make the bircher oats, mix everything together in a big bowl and place in the fridge overnight.

For the stewed fruit, add the chopped and sliced apples, raisins and cinnamon in a pot on the stove on high heat. Add a bit of water and allow the fruit to cook down. About 5 minutes. Serve with the oatmeal when ready.

Serve with fresh fruit, dried fruit, seeds, nut butter and nut milk of choice.

BUCKWHEAT PANCAKES

Ingredients

Makes about 12

1 cup buckwheat flour (recommended to grind your own flour from buckwheat groats in a food processor until it forms a fine texture)

3/4 Tbsp flaxseed meal

1 3/4 cups light coconut milk

1 pinch sea salt

1 Tbsp avocado or melted coconut oil (plus a bit more for cooking)

To serve

I made a sweet rice pudding, avocado chocolate mousse and chickpea and spinach peanut butter curry to go with the pancakes. The guests could choose sweet, savoury or both!

Method

To a blender or mixing bowl, add buckwheat flour, flaxseed meal, coconut milk, salt and avocado oil.

Whisk in mixing bowl to combine. The batter should be pourable but not watery. If too thin, add a bit more buckwheat flour. If too thick, thin with dairy-free milk.

Heat a cast-iron or nonstick skillet over medium heat. Once hot, add a little oil and spread into an even layer. Let the oil heat until hot.

Add about a 1/4 cup batter to the pan. Let cook until the top appears bubbly and the edges are dry. Then carefully flip and cook for 2-3 minutes more on the other side. Turn heat down if cooking too quickly.

Repeat until all crepes are prepared. Keep warm between layers of parchment paper or on a plate under a towel.

Buckwheat pancakes served with sweet black rice pudding, avocado chocolate mousse, curry and fresh banana

4 INGREDIENTS CHOCOLATE BROWNIES

Ingredients

1 cup cooked sweet potato, mashed

1/2 cup smooth nut butter of choice

2 Tbsp pure maple syrup

1/4 cup cocoa powder

Handful of chocolate chips (optional)

Method

Preheat the oven the 180 degrees, grease a small cake pan/loaf pan and set aside.

Over the stove top, melt your nut butter with the maple syrup. In a large mixing bowl, add the mashed sweet potato, nut butter, maple syrup and cocoa powder and mix very well. If using choc chips, stir them through.

Pour the mixture into the greased pan and bake for around 20 minutes or until cooked through. Remove from the oven and allow to cool completely before slicing into piece.

To check out my next retreat, The Deeper Retreat, head over to Dave Gardner’s website, https://original-condition.com to book your spot. The retreat will include myself, Dave, Guy and my good friend, Nathalie Larsen, whom I will be cooking with. We hope you can join us for a magical immersion.

Francesca Annenberg 6/25/19 Francesca Annenberg 6/25/19

This Is My Eating Disorder Speaking

“So I know you want to break up with me, leave me and forget about me. Oh I know how you can’t take it anymore. You’re sick of me. You’re desperate to get rid of me. But I know you - you can’t just turn your back on me. I’ve still got you in my clutches.

My hold may be subtler these days. Not many people can even notice I’m around most of the time but I’m still with you every day. My presence is is like static white noise on a TV. Droning on relentlessly. Sometime I wonder if you can still hear me in the background. But then I see you body checking, fretting about that extra helping, the glee you feel when you’ve ‘managed to control’ your food, the anxiety in social situation, the panic in a skipped gym session.

Sure, you are able to bounce back quicker and better than you have ever have done before - and I will give you credit for that and how you deal with things these days - but you just can’t let me go fully. It’s like a terrible abusive relationship. It’s like Stockholm Syndrome.

Sorry to say this, but the joke is on you, friend, because you think I actually give you something in this relationship. You think I give you control, predictability and safety. But I’ll be honest with you and tell you that I don’t give you shit. I mean, there was a time when I came in handy and was needed, but then you just got super attached to me. Not my problem. You believed you couldn’t exist without me. I gave you everything, including a sense of identity. Shame.

I think that you’re starting to realise my lies and that the deprecating thoughts I pollute your with are not true. My lies keep you from you comprehending your truth, your life, your essence, your self-expression, you love.

If you want to leave, the ball is in your court babes. I’m very comfortable here and the longer I stay, the harder it is going to be for me to leave. It has already been ten years. Ten years too long, don’t you think? If you want me to leave, face your fears. Face the fact that you’ll change, including your body size, the way you think, how you love and exist.

Maybe you will realise that by embracing all who you are, without hiding in the shadows. that you will accomplish great things. Your fear of being rejected for not looking a certain way may diminish in time - if you can trust that. And I know you don’t fully trust that belief - and this is why you still hold onto me. Don’t you think it’s a bit silly and superficial? I know you’re more than that. And no one paid me to say this by the way.

Look, I’m going to be biased and say that life is better when I’m around but I know deep down you want to get rid of me. I don’t take offense because I don’t feel the way you do. I don’t have a heart like you or can love or live with vitality and adventure like you can. I’m just your eating disorder voice.

So whatever. Take me or leave me.

Francesca Annenberg 6/24/19 Francesca Annenberg 6/24/19

How Psilocybin Mushrooms Can Help Treat Eating Disorders

I lay on my mattress feeling the fattest I had ever felt before. Every part of my body felt bloated and balloon-like. “How does this feel?”, the mushrooms asked me. “Do you really think how your body looks like is the end of the world?”, they queried. They fully knew the answer and they wanted me to admit it. I couldn’t hide from the truth, and I knew that they wouldn’t let it go if I kept resisting. In all plant medicine ceremonies, what resists persists. And so I responded, “You’re right. How my body looks really is not the be-all-and-end-all in my life. I have so many other important things to be concerned about and giving my time towards. Worrying about my stomach or legs just wastes my time!” [edited note: thin privilege, fatphobia and weight discrimination is real, with negative consequences affecting the well-being of people in larger bodies. This is me checking my privilege and noting that unfortunately body size does matter only until we treat all body sizes equally].

This was my second hero’s dose of psilocybin mushrooms in a ceremonial form. In my first ceremony, I was shown how my eating disorder was a coping mechanism and not something part of my identity. As such, I could easily let it go - if I so wanted. Like how I learnt my eating disorder as a way to cope, I could also learn new coping mechanisms that were healthier and kinder. In this second healing ceremony, there were some deep debunking of lies that I had been telling myself for years, mainly around body image.

The mushrooms showed me how these lies and self-limiting beliefs cannot physically live in my body any longer. They were sapping my energy. This is because lies have no substance. They are empty.

To survive in the body and mind, they continuously use up my head space, deplete me of my emotional resources and detract me from my own essence. They cannot fit comfortably in the body. They are foreign forms. It’s like putting in a piece of a puzzle in the wrong place. It’s like a bad game of Tetris.

Truth on the other hand, can always survive in the body. Truth is eternal. It is whole, has substance and is real. It fits so beautifully and snug in the body, heart and soul. It’s like falling into the softest and fluffiest cloud.

Psilocybin mushrooms work in a way whereby they shut off the default mode network (DMN) in the brain. Basically, if you had to imagine walking down the same path, day in and day out, soon you would start to walk that well-trodden path on autopilot. This is how our default bran network operates. The more we tell ourselves stories and beliefs about our bodies, our capabilities, the past, the future, the more that all starts to become true. Remember, our thoughts create our reality. And so, when in a trip, we can finally experience new ways of thinking about ourselves. New paths - new ways of existing - are illuminated.

The mushrooms in essence show us ourselves. They show us fresh paths that have not yet been walked. They are resolute in their stance when they say that these uncharted territories aren’t as scary to walk down as we may have thought previously.

I came into this ceremony prepared. The years of work that I had done in therapy and and with my life coach, helped me realise that I am ready to take on the next step of my recovery: My recovery back to self. Coupled with the ceremony being very well held, when confronted with the hard truths around my body dismorphia and my eating disorder, I resisted nothing.

The truth was sometimes hard to swallow and painful to experience, and the mushrooms made sure I was getting the message by sending electrical-like shots through my body, begging me to wake up and focus on the bigger picture.

I realised that if I had to continue thinking about myself in the ways that I currently am, those shocks are going get harsher and more unbearable - and not just when doing a magic mushroom trip, but in real life too. Living by the laws of lies will only result in a painful and shocking existence.

For the last few years, psilocybin mushrooms have played an important role in helping me untangle parts of myself from my addiction around food and exercise - in big doses, microdoses and everything in between. They have helped me heal from the trauma of the disconnection from my essence (fueled by my eating disorder) by integrating those missing parts back into my soul. Each time after healing plant ceremonies, I feel more and more grounded, connected, whole and at peace with who I am.

When the truth is revealed, it is hard to turn back to the shadows.

Have you ever done a plant medicine journey, in a ceremony form? If so, I would love to hear your experiences!

To read up on my other tools that I have utilized in my eating disorder recovery, check out my article, How to Overcome an Eating Disorder: 31 Tips.

If you’re curious about microdosing, I wrote a review on microdoing on Lion’s Mane, a non-psychoactive mushroom.

Francesca Annenberg 6/20/19 Francesca Annenberg 6/20/19

Eating Disorder Recovery: A Decade Later

Dear Recovery,

You have been a long, slow and sometimes painful journey. There have been times when I thought no progress was being made, but looking back at these ten years, I can that we’ve really pulled out the stops. Look at how far we’ve come for a decade (and more) of restrictive eating, under-eating, overexercising, dieting and using food as a coping mechanism.

I feel grateful for the willpower, truth, authenticity and courage you have instilled in me.

Despite this, I do admit I have resisted you, rejected you, ignored you and have even believed you were not possible. But you’ve proved me wrong. Working together, we have met beautiful and challenging mirrors, helpers, healers, motivators, teachers and lovers who have all played their part in helped me grow and love more courageously.

Once you showed yourself to me, it was very hard to “unknow”, to slip back into living in fear and in the dark depths of sadness. Sure, I’ve taken a few steps back over the ten years, but never have I turned my back on you and what’s possible. I can’t go back. It’s only forward - even on the tough days.

I am slowly replacing my eating disorder with Recovery as a coping mechanism; a coping mechanism that actually works, nurtures and balances my spirit. Recovery, I know you have only my best intentions at heart.

You are my wise self and intuition, my caring inner mother and my sprightly inner child.

I am Recovery.

Love, Me xx

Connecting and softening in nature. Picture by Appster

For more on my writing on eating disorders and recovery, check out the following links:

What Recovery Feels Like

How Eating Disorders can Harm Relationships

The Stages of an Eating Disorder

How to Overcome an Eating Disorder: 31 Tips

Francesca Annenberg 6/15/19 Francesca Annenberg 6/15/19

Creamy Chocolate Vegan Fudge

These slabs of chocolate fudge are dense and thick and full of plant-based goodness. There are only six ingredients (excluding the salt) and have four, simple steps to make this magic happen. Add these on top of warm oatmeal and allow them to melt and ooze for a standout breakfast. Sandwich them between two medjool dates for a mind-blowing snack. Have them simply as is with a coffee or tea for a delectable and ceremonial dessert. They are a conversation starter, perfect to take to birthdays or a picnic and make any situation better. Basically, what I am trying to say is that these chunks of cacao are the shiz and suit every moment of every day.

This fudge is 100% vegan, dairy-free, sugar-free, gluten-free and easy to make. Enjoy!

ingredients

1 cup gooey dates

1 cup coconut oil

1/2 cup cacao powder

1/2 cup water

1-2 Tbsp maple syrup

1 tsp vanilla powder

A pinch of salt

method

Soften the dates by soaking them in warm water for about five minutes.
Add all the ingredients to your food processor and process until completely smooth. It may take about 15 minutes but be patient. Scrap down the sides to ensure everything is blended nothing is left behind.
Pour the mixture into a shallow dish, lined with baking paper, and set it in the freezer for about 4 hours, or overnight.
Cut into squares and then place it in the fridge, covered. Ta-da!

Francesca Annenberg 4/3/19 Francesca Annenberg 4/3/19

New Vegan Menu at Balducci [Review]

I have been waiting for about nine months to try the new vegan menu from Balducci. I was aware of the exciting launch by one of Cape Town’s most established and well-known restaurants, but could only watch the action from afar as I have been based in Durban for the last two years. However, I finally had a few days in my hometown and managed to sit down to try their food.

Upon looking at the menu, I was overwhelmed! I had never seen such an extensive vegan menu at a non-vegan restaurant in Cape Town - ever. And everything sounded so good! Choosing what to eat was a challenge but luckily I had my partner in crime with me, which meant we could split a few options between the two of us. This meant drinks, starters, mains and desserts (and a planned second visit in the future).

Attempting to keep a poker face while silently stressing about whether I ordered the right food.

Right, so we know that there’s a big increase in interest in veganism both globally and in South Africa as more people are becoming aware of the important environmental benefits and health perks that a plant-based diet offers. In response, Balducci got busy behind the scenes and meticulously crafted a plant-based menu, complete with over 50 different options - yes, you read correctly - over 50 menu items that are entirely meat-free, egg-free and dairy-free! They have ticked all the boxes with a selection of smoothies, smoothie bowls, various cold and hot drink, salads, bowls, burgers, pastas, pizzas, sushi, wraps and desserts. Basically, you are bound to find an array of things to try (and will be planning your next trip back there in no time).

You can check out Balducci’s vegan menu here (take a deep breath): https://balduccis.co.za/balducci-vegan-menu/

So what did we order?

We ordered a lot (obviously) and it revolved mostly around carbs and tofu. #veganlifeyo. We selected the following delicious foodie options:

A Classic Green Juice: Pineapple, apple, fennel, kale, parsley, lemon, lime juice and ginger.

Guacamole Rice Paper Wraps: Guacamole, carrot, cucumber, bell pepper, red cabbage, wrapped in rice paper and served with a vegan satay sauce.

Cashew Nut Cream Pasta: Marinated tofu and smoked mushrooms in a cashew nut cream sauce, with linguine pasta and vegan Parmesan on the side.

Roasted Tofu and Vegan Satay Sauce Pizza: Vegan cheese and tomato base, roasted tofu and topped with peanut butter satay sauce, on a homemade pizza base.

Cheesecake: Vegan cheesecake with a berry marble swirl.

Pistachio Raspberry Ice Cream Cake.

Cappuccino with almond milk.

Guacamole rice paper wraps

Pizza + pasta + tofu = my heart

Peanut butter satay pizza with roasted tofu

Cashew nut cream pasta

What is next on my list to order when I visit Balducci again?

A lot. Due to the impeccable service by some of the most friendliest and helpful waiters, quality food and based at a lovely, harbour-side location at the V&A Waterfront, I will be back to try some of the other menu items that caught my eye, including:

Turbo Something Juice: Pineapple, apple, spinach, celery, cucumber, lime and avocado.

Onion Blossom: Giant onion seasoned and deep-fried, served with a vegan chipotle mayo.

Trader Joe Pizza: Mixed chopped peppers, red onion and mushrooms topped with dairy-free cheese and a sprinkle of vegan Parmesan and vegan pesto.

Smokey Black Bean Burger: Smokey amaranth black bean burger, served with sweet potato fries or salad.

Red Thai Curry: Prepared with whole fungus mushrooms, tofu, bamboo shoots, cauliflower and broccoli, served with basmati rice.

Tahini Vegan Shake: Banana, dates, tahini, almond milk, vanilla and cinnamon.

Pina Colada Smoothie: Coconut water, mango, pineapple, baobab powder, lucuma powder, agave nectar, mint and pineapple.

I was also super impressed with the beautifully crafted vegan menu. It’s separate from the other menu and include meals that aren’t in the main one - so definitely ask to see the vegan version. It’s really well designed and put together. There’s a whole section on why Balducci decided to create a vegan menu, their values and promise to non-GMO and organic ingredients, to be plastic-free and preservative and chemical-free, to use non-irradiated herbs and spices, and to cook at low, slow and delicate temperatures to ensure the integrity of the ingredients are retained and bioavailable. It was lovely to read their ethics while waiting for the food, adding a great touch to the overall experience.

Blueberry cheescake

Ice cream cake with raspberries + pistachios

Human eating dessert <3

Beautifully crafted vegan menu

If you live in Cape Town, this restaurant that is a must-try, and if you’re visiting Cape Town on holiday, I highly recommend it too. It’s smart enough for a business meeting lunch, chic enough for date night, varied enough for a family dinner, and comfortable for a meal alone.

Balducci, thank you for the wonderful vegan dining experience! I can’t wait to return.

You can check out some of my other vegan restaurant reviews here:

Fit for a Queen: 12 Apostles Vegan High Tea Review

Vegan Fine Dining in Cape Town at Azure Restaurant

What I Ate In San Francisco

What I Ate in Seattle

What I Ate in NYC

Say hello to the badass, Balducci vegan besties here:

Website: https://balduccis.co.za/

Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/BalducciRestaurant/

Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/balduccis_capetown/

Francesca Annenberg 3/13/19 Francesca Annenberg 3/13/19

Microdosing on Lions Mane

I’m all for experimenting. Especially with mushrooms - hallucinogenic or otherwise.

Medicinal mushrooms have been hella trendy these days and I’ve shamelessly jumped on the bandwagon. I’m curious, k! After hearing a Tim Ferris podcast with Paul Staments and then receiving an email from one of my spiritual teachers both of whom were promoting lions mane, I took it as a sign to give it a try.

What is lion’s mane?

Lion’s mane mushroom has been recognized as a powerful food for enhancing brain function and helping with a number of physical aliments, depression and anxiety. It’s also know as the “bearded tooth fungus” (eeerrrrmm, appetizing?) or “hedgehog mushroom” (kinda cute?). I quite like the name, “pom pom blanc”, a reference to a cheerleader's white pom poms.

Below are just a few benefits of lion’s mane. Please see the references listed at the end of the article for further reading.

Improves Cognitive Function and Longevity

It helps stimulate nerve growth factor (NGF) production. NGF is a neuropeptide that assists to maintain neurons and stimulates the differentiation and re-myelination of neurons. Neurons are cells responsible for helping our brain’s process and transmit information, thus improving cognitive function. The mushroom has shown to also regenerate damaged cells in the brain as well as help protect neurodegenerative diseases, such as Alzheimer’s, dementia, and Parkinson’s disease. As I have had a family member diagnosed with Alzheimer’s, this was my main reason to start taking lion’s mane.

Reduces Depression and Anxiety

The NGF-enhancing action of lion’s mane supports our body’s fight or flight responses, thereby streamlining and reducing feelings of depression, anxiety and irritability.

Improves Physical Performance

Lion’s mane is rich in antioxidants that support cellular health. The more antioxidants in the body, the easier it is for the body to produce energy. The mushrooms has been shown to reduce lactic acid in the blood, meaning you can recover quicker after intense physical activity.

Lion’s mane is safe to consume, widely available online and through health stores. There are no side effects to taking lion’s mane.

Day 1, week 1 of microdosing

It’s day one and the spots on the tiled floors are moving in the office bathroom. The walls are heaving. The bathroom stall is feeling very cramped. My sight is extremely vivid and I can see all the veins in the leaves of my little bonsai tree that sits next to me at my desk. My body feels beautifully soft and floaty. I researched and researched “is lion’s mane a hallucinogenic?” and “psychedelic experiences and lion’s mane”. I found nothing. Everything I found online confirmed with lion’s mane has no hallucinogenic effects. What. Is. Wrong. With. Me??

Is this even lion’s mane?

I realised I took the wrong capsules.

So the first day of microdosing was a “fail”. How did I do this? Well, I had ordered both lion’s mane and Psilocybin and didn’t scrutinize the two jars, carelessly opening up the one bottle and popping two pills. Even though I’ve microdosed and experimented with Psilocybin mushrooms before at much higher doses, I wasn’t exactly prepared for a hallucinogenic experience in the office.

The verdict:

Next time, read the jars properly. And lion’s mane is not, and will never be hallucinogenic.

Week 1 of microdosing - take #2

I started off conservatively, with one capsule, dosing twice in the first week. For a good few hours of the day, I felt alert, focused and tuned into the tasks at hand. My energy was heightened but there was an underlying sense of easefullness. There was a greater sense of coming into my body and being able to feel my body with more awareness. The initial hour or so, my sight was more vivid . Overall, there was a more directed focus and energy. The effects were noticeable on the days when I took the lion’s mane, with no major differences experienced on the days when I didn’t take the mushrooms.

The verdict:

There were definitely some changes in alertness, focus and energy, albeit slight. I plan to increase to two capsules (as per the suggestions on the bottle) in Week 2, taking five days on, two days off. This is suggested for any kind of microdosing, whether it be with Psilocybin mushrooms or even caffeine for that matter to give the body time to integrate.

Week 2 of microdosing

Monday morning began with some yerba mate tea and two caps of lion’s mane. It lit me up pretty quickly, with a smooth-sailing effect throughout the morning. By Day 3, the effects were less as my tolerance started to increase. I can still feel the hum of the mushrooms working slowly and steadily in the background.

The verdict:

Week 2 was good. I still felt the effects immediately each time I swallowed them down. I got those lit body tingles and then… the toilet calls!

Does lion’s mane make you wanna go to the loo by the way…?

With Week 3 coming up, I plan to experiment with one capsule for five days.

Week 3 of microdosing

Right, I decided to keep things more moderate and take one capsule once a day with a hot drink for five days. The effects were smoother and softer. I think my body developed a bit of a resistance but I was happier taking one capsule a day. My focus was clear and my fitness and agility was feeling on form.

The verdict:

One capsule a day for five days seemed to be my happy place. I felt alert, calm and focused.

I believe I am giving my brain a gift in the long run by including lion’s mane regularly at my ripe age of 27. Do you take any form of medicinal mushroom on a microdosing basis? Let me know what you take and why! I would love to experiment with other varieties in the future.

References:

https://blog.kettleandfire.com/lions-mane-mushroom/

https://www.huffpost.com/entry/mushroom-memory_n_1725583

https://www.braintropic.com/nootropics/lions-mane-mushroom/

https://www.nootropedia.com/lions-mane/

Francesca Annenberg 2/27/19 Francesca Annenberg 2/27/19

I'm Vegan But I Ride Horses?

I fell in love with horse riding at the age of five. I couldn’t believe my luck when I was told I could sit on the biggest chestnut mare at the stables. My parents saw me off as I took my first ride into the forest, most probably fretting I would fall off - it was a long way down to the ground at that age. I was hooked from that moment. My parents thought it was a stage, but it was a stage that lasted over 20 years.

And then I went vegan at the age of 23 and things changed. How could I condone elephant riding in Thailand, ostrich racing in Oudtshoorn and rodeo in America but still ride horses? I was faced with the moral dilemma where I loved my horse and felt I was giving him the best life given the circumstances but knew deep down I was exploiting him for my own pleasure.

All of a sudden, the metal bit seemed like the most crazy thing to stick in his mouth, the saddle girth a constricting and uncomfortable corset, and the small paddocks in which he roamed, horribly unnatural and cruel.

However, I continued to ride for the next four years. Despite the unease around horse riding, I thought I needed it. It gave me a place to escape and be alone, away from people and just be in nature with my trusted four-legged, 800kg animal. Giving up riding meant I would have a massive void to fill, from a point of view of time and identity. I wasn’t ready to fully let go.

Slowly, over the years, I started to reduce how often I would ride. Then, I replaced the bridle and bit with a halter. I stopped exercising him hard. I started riding even less and would take him for walks on foot and simply go grazing. Finally, I moved to a new city so I couldn’t ride at all.

Almost two years went by. Despite being well looked after while I was away, I knew that he was living a small and unfulfilling life. And then my parents slowly planted the seed about retiring him. I resisted at first - I was afraid he wouldn’t be able to handle the long drive up to the farm, or make new friends, or be taken care of sufficiently. I was worried he wouldn’t be able to cope without me - I was “his human” after all!

These concerns were indeed valid but they were also unfounded. He is a resilient animal, friendly, sprightly and makes friends easily, and I would never send my horse to a place I didn’t have a good feeling about. Additionally, my ego liked me to believe that he would struggle without me. But I a not “his human.” While I could see that we shared a bond, I was not his #1 friend and he could survive just fine without me. This was a bitter pill I finally swallowed.

It would take over a year for me to finally accept the notion of letting him go, letting go of control of his life, letting go of a part of my identity, and letting go of the shame and guilt I had around being a horse rider. I kept replaying memories of the stressful and competitive environments I put him in, the use of a whip and spurs (which are normalised and routinely used - something I now can’t fathom using!), and making him do things he didn’t enjoy. I can remember him getting angry at me, bucking, shaking his head and trying to get out of the arena. I recall him shying away from me for days at a time after an aggravating outride or lesson, the trust between us lost, and having to rebuild it.

Like my process of going vegan, which took six months, it became clear to me that my transition away from horse riding was following a similar process. The gradual move away from it rather than stopping cold turkey was easier to emotionally (and logistically) manage.

We recently found a beautiful farm about six hours away from my home city. He has only been there for a few days and has settled in smoothly and has already made friends. He is now living the massive, luscious grass field where he is able to be a horse, run around and play with the herd of other retired, horses.

Dream Town at his new farm

A better life for a horse

While I believe that horse riding isn’t vegan, I understand why it is so difficult for riders to give it up. It takes up a huge chunk of your life and forms a part of your identity. The bond between you and the horse is real and true, and it’s terrifying to let that connection go and allow someone else to take care of him.

If you’re a horse rider and feel conflicted about riding horses and want to give up, trust that in the right time, you will be able to let go. If riding is no longer resonating, start to gently begin the process of thinking of alternative solutions for your horse. Ultimately, trust that you are giving a better, more wholesome life to your beloved friend, and that they will forgive you and love you.

Francesca Annenberg 1/28/19 Francesca Annenberg 1/28/19

Time to Face Up: The Link Between Acne and Eating Disorders

Acne is not only a sign of a physical imbalance, it also indicates that on an emotional level we are not ready to face the world.

While it is not always the case that you will battle with acne when going through an eating disorder, it can indeed happen. Very simply put, when you are underweight, it causes an imbalance of hormones. Our bodies need a certain amount of body fat in order to produce and synthesize hormones.

When there is a drop in weight, the body has to prioritse how to use energy smartly. The body no longer has the luxury to produce certain hormones, which is why you will lose your period, have a decreased sex drive, struggle to sleep and feel moody. A lot of this is hormone-related. The body is conserving its energy for more vital functions in order to simply keep you alive: heart beating, blood flowing, lungs expanding, and getting you from A to B. Clear, acne-free skin is certainly not at the top of the body’s list of important things to sort out.

Think about it: When we are struggling with an eating disorder, we are at the very core ashamed of ourselves and fearful of vulnerability. Using food in maladaptive ways (whether it be restriction, bingeing or overeating), are ineffective and harmful strategies to try numb out, cover up and hide away.

And when acne shows up, it can indicate that we aren’t ready to face the world. Acne says, “Don’t look at me, for I am unworthy of your love. Don’t look at me, for when you look at me, it causes me to look at myself and that is painful. Please, don’t look at me.”

Acne literally makes us want to retreat, to not face the world or to socialise. When we go out in public, we experience embarrassment and shame, and we feel like everyone is disgusted by our appearance, further feeding the eating disorder and giving it more ammunition, keeping us in a feedback loop of shameful smallness.

The only way to clear acne is acceptance, despite whatever is going on, felt or experienced. This is of course, not what our eating disorder wants. Our eating disorder wants us to never feel satisfied, or at ease. It does this by fueling this continuous chase of perfection - a state that will never ever be attained. Ever.

So this means that radical acceptance is the only way forward. It also means eating nourishing foods that help heal the body and the mind. It means listening deeply to how we can feed our creativity and giving our inner child time to play. It means letting people in. It means opening up and then trusting that things will flow the way they are meant to. Acne is so much more than skin deep.

We are required to heal from the inside out.

Photo by Christopher Campbell on Unsplash

Francesca Annenberg 12/20/18 Francesca Annenberg 12/20/18

Presenting: The Opening Lines of Our Minds

I don’t know if I would want to be in your head. I know for sure that I wouldn’t you to be in mine. If you had to hear that things I tell myself, I have a feeling you wouldn’t be too impressed. And I’m certain that, for many of you, you would be embarrassed if you had to divulge your most secretive, pervasive and incessant thoughts to me.

I know this, because we’re human. And we all suffer from something similar as humans, and that’s the battle between our authentic self and constructed self, and how that impacts our self-worth.

When the latter dominates, we feel real pain because our authentic self is cast aside. We become out of alignment.

So how does it work?

I’ll use myself as an example - Like a television playing static, white noise, I have a handful of lies that I tell myself that float around in the background, ruling the show. I’m their puppet in a rather boring and predictable spectacle. The show has been constructed to suit not my needs, but the needs of others who I feel need to be impressed or proven to.

Now, you’re in luck today because I managed to get hold of this' show’s script, so you can get special VIP access into my internal dialogue. There are no punchlines, cliffhangers or plot twists, but it’s real, raw and maybe you’ll find it relatable.

[ clears the throat. Take #1 ]

“You’re fat. Life is better when you’re thin.”

“You’ll never succeed at anything.”

“You’re not interesting, creative or smart enough.”

“You’ll never be interesting, creative or smart enough because you don’t prioritise the things that will make you interesting, creative or smart.”

“You’re ugly.”

“If you don’t watch out, you will let go and get out of control.”

“If you don’t keep busy, you are not achieving or being productive. Stop being lazy.”

“If you don’t meet people's expectations of perfection, you are not good enough.”

“You’re not good enough.”

Dadumtooosh.

Now, I’ve come to realise that this script is a set of limiting beliefs that are all lies. I know this, because when I allow my authentic voice to step onto center stage, I am able to debunk them.

For example, take the first rather poetic line of “You’re fat. Life is better when you’re thin.” This is a lie. Life would be not be better if I was thin, because when I was deep in my eating disorder and severely underweight, I was moody, unhappy, unsociable and obsessive.

What about “You’ll never succeed at anything”? Has a nice ring to it, right? This is definitely the opening line of the show. Again though, this is a lie (surprise - a plot twist!). My achievements are continuous and relative to where I am at. All of my successes have led me to where I am today. And where I am today is something I am proud of. I expect to do more too over my whole lifetime so there are many more successes to come (look - I’ve left you with a cliffhanger!).

The punchline of it all is that whoever is running the feature show up there (call it Universe, God or whatever) is laughing down at us, saying that we have One Night Only to make it count. Our lifetime is a little blimp in all of this greater existence, so there is no time to live backstage, rehearsing and perfecting for the moments that never come.

If you’re bored of the dialogue, change it. If you’re over your supporting cast, find better support.

Why not live in the limelight and be the star of your reality (with an epic soundtrack included).

Photo by BRUNO CERVERA on Unsplash

Francesca Annenberg 11/16/18 Francesca Annenberg 11/16/18

New Year's Resolutions for People with Eating Disorders

Those blasted New Year’s resolutions… They can be so triggering. As the year begins, we are overwhelmed by messages and talk around weight loss, diets, stricter exercise regime - aka, everyone wants to get thin. And for those of us who are already struggling with body image and have anxieties around food, this time of year can be challenging and uneasy.

It is so very easy to get swept up in the hype of it all and to start believing that this way of thinking is ok and natural. The unhappiness and disgust around our bodies has become so normalised that our body shame is no longer questioned. It is hidden and accepted. And this is not ok.

If you are struggling with an eating disorder or exercise addiction, I encourage you to come up with new resolutions that are not only sustainable in the long-term but are also focused on internal growth rather than on appearances. If you are a parent or friend of someone who battles with food in some way, I implore you to be mindful of the messages you put out.

Of course some resolutions may have to be focused on the external due to health concerns, however the vast majority stem from a desire to achieve a a physique that society finds attractive and accepts. Side note - That desire to achieve “the body” is never achieved as there will always be some form of dissatisfaction and distortion of how one’s body looks.

Think beyond the physical. Consider a resolution that has nothing to do with appearance. Think of who you want to be rather than what you want to look like. Move beyond the physical and consider how you want to grow emotionally, spiritually, creatively, in relationship and in certain skills.
Healthy eating and exercise can be unhealthy. You may start out with good intentions, but it can be a slippery slope into the danger zone of unhealthy exercising and “clean” eating. If you start compulsively thinking about food, obsessively worry about eating out, or feel guilty for missing a workout, it could mean your resolutions have taken a sour turn.
Practice loving-kindness. When we are able to give ourselves moments of self-love, compassion and gratitude, we don’t have to end up making new year’s resolutions because we then automatically live a life that holds us.

In addition to the above, keep on creating body and eating-friendly resolutions. Simple ideas include:

Giving yourself a hug
Write down one thing you like about yourself (I may try this everyday for the next 365 days in 2019! Who is with me?)
Mindful eating without a phone or screen nearby
Eating with a friend or family member who helps you feel more comfortable and at ease, while at the same time keeping you accountable to your meals
Keeping a meal plan if it helps you feel safe
Hiding mirrors or scales if they have become addictive
Seeing a therapist or coach regularly who has an understanding of this topic
Consulting with a dietitian regularly
Attending group therapy sessions - connecting with people who are battling similar things can be helpful in knowing you’re not alone
Giving thanks for your food before eating it

I wish you all a healthy, safe, joyful end to your year and a glorious, exciting and love-filled start to 2019!

All my love,

Francesca xx

Photo by Clarence E. Hsu on Unsplash

Francesca Annenberg 9/30/18 Francesca Annenberg 9/30/18

I Am Sorry, Belly

When it’s empty and starved, it can fill us pride. When it’s full and round, it can feel like the world is ending. It can cause to not want to wear certain clothing; bring tears to fall from our eyes; prevent us from not wanting to be touched or intimate; force us to unfairly judge and compare ourselves to others; and compel us to punish our bodies by overexercising or undereating. Anyone who struggle with an eating disorder, understands and can relate to the complex relationship to our stomaches.

While I was at a silent retreat, walking amongst tall, thin trees, I heard some murmurs coming from my belly. Wisdom that needed to heard. Words that needed to be written and shared. This poem is the result of that deep listening and honouring the whatever truths came out. This poem hasn’t been edited - it is what it is. There is no real solution or “light at the end of the tunnel”, but these are important words to bring to light; and an important step in my recovery: to be truthful of where I am at right now.

I trust that those who this poem reaches, finds solace and comfort in the understanding that the unfolding of a deeper, more positive body image takes time, love and attention. We’re all on the journey together.

I am sorry, belly

This belly that has felt so much of the wrong thing and felt so little of right thing,
Of which my entire universe can revolve around its roundness, crushing me - or around it’s hollowness, inflating me to a conceited sense of greatness.
It is unfair to place such pressure on such a soft, delicate space to dictate my worthiness and yet I pounce and strip and empty her of her inherent goodwill.
Her inherent will to survive - for me to survive. Her inherent goodness to keep my fire, my passions, my desires burning.
This belly that grew from mother’s and my grandmother’s and from my great great great great grandmother’s and from all the women who exist and have existed. It is such an honour to stem from such a lineage.
What reverence then can I give my belly?
What must I do? What must I do?
All I have to do is listen.
Listen to her cries, her moans, screams, laughter, whispers.
For she holds the intuition. Without her i could make the wrong decision. With her, I am able to make the right decision.
Despite these words, I struggle to trust. I struggle to accept I will be ok. I struggle to have faith in that if I let go of clinging to her that she will look after me.
How do I meet her at the edge and soften?
I hope to one day to trust my softness.

Photo by Daniel Olah on Unsplash

Francesca Annenberg 7/17/18 Francesca Annenberg 7/17/18

The Stages of An Eating Disorder

What comes up when you are actively in recovery, simply going through the motions, or dangerously deep in your addiction?

When to eat; what to food to eat; how much to consume; what exercise I needed to do to counteract the food I had just eaten; how to avoid social situations that involved food; where I could throw food away... I would go to bed hungry, dream of food and wake up hungry.

My life revolved around food. I had tunnel vision.

But all of this happened slowly. Slowly but surely the eating disorder crept in, digging deep into vulernable crevices and parts of my mind. Stage by stage, the eating disorder took hold.

An eating disorder slowly crawls into those hidden, sore parts of you and before you know it, your addiction has consumed you.

At my lowest point, I couldn’t distinguish myself without an eating disorder. The Francesca I used to be was a distant memory.

Look within for introspection. Look beyond for perspective.

A few days ago, I was lucky enough to reconnect with an old childhood friend. We spoke about recovery. She told me of an exercise she did in therapy whereby she created a system so she could identify where she was in recovery. We can do the exercise together.

Imagine a set of traffic lights: green, yellow and red.

When you are in the “green stage”, you are actively choosing recovery, following meal plans and socializing, among many other things. You’re good. You're safe.

The next stage is called the “yellow stage”. This is when you are half in recovery. You know when you feel like you’re going nowhere slowly, or like you’ve hit a brick wall? It’s when you half in recovery but not truly invested in it. You’re not in a life threatening situation but you’re not really going out of your way to get to the next stage of recovery.

Lastly, the “red stage” is when you’re in the danger zone. This is when your triggers are at all-time high.

I was inspired after hearing about this therapeutic method from my friend that I decided to do one myself. I have outlined all the things that I identify to be present in my life when I’m in each Three Stages of Recovery.

Note that this is based on my own recovery experience so feel to free to share your thoughts in the comments below. Please share this with anyone who you know may be struggling with anorexia nervosa, bulimia, exercise addiction, orthorexia, general disordered eating or binge eating disorder.

Stage 1: The Green Stage of an Eating Disorder

Listening to my hunger cues
Eating intuitively and mindfully in silence
Resting
Giving myself loving body massages
Not worrying or feeling guilty about what I’ve just eaten, not dwelling or obsessing about what I just ate
Feeling relaxed around food, especially in social situations
Meditating
Feeling calm and present
Able to concentrate on tasks at work
Exercising because it feels good, not as punishment
Feeling joyful and energised
Laughing reguarly
Having a regular menstrual cycle

Stage 2: The Yellow Stage of Eating Disorders

Body checking (ie. looking at mirrors, feeling my stomach or thighs)
Excising despite feeling tired
Distracting myself around meal time by watching YouTube, listening to a podcast or swiping through social media
Increasingly scrolling through social media posts of food, exercise routines and bikini bodies
Intermittent fasting
Avoiding certain food groups (usually plant-based fats like seeds, nuts, avocado, nut and seed butters, oils etc)
Not going to my dietitian regularly
Increasing the amount of coffee or other appetite suppressants
Sticking to certain hours of eating times
Worrying how friends or restaurants prepare and cook food
Comparing what I eat to other people
Having an irregular menstrual cycle

Stage 3: The Red Stage of Eating Disorders

Not having a menstrual cycle and not telling my therapist about it
Withdrawing socially, becoming moody and feeling depressed
Feeling exhausted
Checking the scale multiply times a day
Throwing away food or giving food away as a “gift” as a way to get rid of it
Avoiding meal times and social situations with friends and family, not wanting to eat out
Chewing gum
Using a calorie counter
Going to bed hungry and waking up starving
Dreaming about food, having anxiety dreams around food
Exercising on the sly, lying about my exercise routine, over-exercising
Fearing certain food and only wanting to eat “healthy food”
Eating in an unbalanced and strict way
Constantly thinking about when I will eat next and what I will eat, repeating in my head what I will eat over and over
Obsessively looking at "food porn" pictures on social media
Feeling jealous and resentful of other people who I perceive to have “perfect” bodies
Feeling triggered by others who seem happy, content with themselves and their bodies
Guilt after each meal
Not seeing the value in recovery

Where do you think you fall on the scale? You may feel like you’re half in the red and half in the yellow stage, or maybe you are deep down in the red and don’t want to get better. Maybe you're 70% in the yellow with 10% in green and 20% in the red. Recovery is a slow process and we fall in and out of the stages over the years. It’s cyclical.

Looking back at the last nine years of my recovery, there were things I did and parts of myself I don’t recongise anymore. When I was in the red stage, I was engaging in harmful and exhausting behaviours that today I wouldn’t even consider doing. It was like I had left my body and something else was controlling me.

I have been in the yellow stage for years and often fall into it. It feels safe. I can hold hands with recovery and with my eating disorder and still function. But in this place, I am complacent and recovery is not considered a priority. And this is dangerous because it is a slippery slope back into the red stage.

While I don’t consider it all to be sunshine and roses in the green stage (yes, sometime being healthy is hard for my eating disorder to accept!), I know what story my addiction wants me to live. And it’s sad, sob story that ends with a whimper. My eating disorder slowly robbed me of my values, beliefs, passions and desires.

I would much rather explore the uncharted waters where there is excitement, adventure and explosions of passion, creativity and pure, wholehearted joy. This is the stage I want to be in.

Keep shining. The world needs your light.

Lots of love,

Francesca

Francesca Annenberg 7/1/18 Francesca Annenberg 7/1/18

How To Regain Your Period: Top 25 Tips

Eating disorders, going on and off the pill, being at a low weight and struggling hormonal imbalances can all cause us women to lose our periods. Whether you've lost it for a few months or haven't seen it in years, when we don't have a period, it's a sign that our bodies are not in a happy place.

Why?

When we get a menstrual cycle it's an indication that our bodies are at ease, comfortable and able to have children. Sure, some of you may not want to have children right now but the essence of human existence is to procreate. When we can't have babies, our bodies are telling us that there are more important functions that they need to focus on like digesting food, breathing, pumping blood (aka the essentials for life).

Sometimes it's convenient and less of a hassle to not have a period, I get it. But if your intention is to life a healthy, vibrant life, having a period part of the puzzle.

I understand that many of you out there haven't got your period in years. While it is beyond my scope of knowledge to tease out all the intricacies of hormonal imbalances, I have outlined a few things that you can apply today (if you haven't tried it already) that could help you on the path of restoring and regaining your period, in particular if you come from a past of eating disorders and being underweight.

My top 25 natural methods on healing yourself and getting your period back:

Vegan Diet

Eat a colourful plant-based diet.
Include healthy fats at each meal, especially seeds, nuts, nut/seed butters, non-dairy milk, coconut and coconut butter and avocado. Hormones love good fats. Be serious about including them.
Increase your protein intake. Focus on soy-based products like tofu, tempeh and soy milk, and don't forget hemp seeds, protein powder, quinoa legumes and beans.
Eat your leafy greens.
Make cruciferous vegetables your friends.
Don't fear carbohydrates. Include sweet potatoes, pumpkin, butternut, rye bread, rice, oats and barley.
Include fermented food like miso paste, kimchi, kefir, kombucha and sauerkraut.
Start seed cycling. Unsure what that is? Head here.
Eat regularly and consistently. Don't keep the body guessing as to when it will receive food.

Nutritional Supplements

Invest in a solid multivitamin. I use this one.
Depending on your hormonal levels, take Casteberry or include maca powder with your food (if you are low on testosterone).
Look into Chinese herbal medicine (but first chat to a Chinese doctor for guidance).
Take a daily probiotic.

Exercise or Rest

Cut down on the high intensity exercise. In some instances, I would suggest in cutting out exercise entirely.
Focus on yoga and weight training instead of running, HIIT and Crossfit. These forms of exercise are less stressful for the body and give the body time and space to repair.

Emotional Support

The mental aspect of healing is as important as the physical (if not more!). Go to therapy. Talk about your eating patterns. Express which foods cause you anxiety. The more we open up, the more we open to healing.
Find a women's circle where you feel safe to share with other women and ask for help.
Journal. Give yourself time to reflect. Write down your nighttime dreams. Become aware of your subconscious fears and desires.
Consider going to a Chinese doctor for regular acupuncture.
Take yourself to the doctor and go for a blood and hormone test. Understand where your body is at and what is needing. Sometimes we can feel in the dark and having some numbers and science can help guide us in the right direction.
Go to a dietician. They are able to assist you in gaining weight by offering food options and constructing tailored meal plans. Sometimes all you need is someone holding your hand through the daunting nutrition side of things.

General Lifestyle

Sleep, sleep, sleep! It's a non-negotiable for the body to restore, repair and regenerate.
I know our lives are hectic, work can be demanding and worrying about our period can cause pressure but try not to stress. I know it's not easy! Consider taking yourself on a little holiday.
Meditation. Find time for stillness. My favourite guided meditations are by Tara Brach - she has a great podcast too.
Be in nature. Reconnect to the earth. Play, roll, jump, hang. It's grounding, enlivening and good for the soul.

PS and full disclosure: I would like to add that it took me about 9 months to regain my period after coming off the pill and even now it's still not totally regular.

Patience and perseverance. Give your body time to recover. Speak to yourself kindly. Take care of yourself.

Life is fun and it is here for you to live it with joy! You deserve it.

I love you.

Francesca xx

Image: Photo by George Tsapakis on Unsplash